Perfect Memory
by gabiiikayyy
Summary: After losing the love of his life in a fatal car accident, Kurt falls into a deep depression, feeling as though the accident was his fault and that he will never get to see his boyfriend Blaine ever again. But not long after his death, Kurt feels as though Blaine is still with him and didn't leave entirely.
1. Chapter One

Rain pours down hard from the sky, pelting the windshield and making it more difficult for Kurt to see the road ahead. Pebbles of rain slide down the glass and he turns on the windshield wipers to clear them off. He sighs, his eyes heavy from exhaustion. Today has been too long and emotional, and he just wants to drop off Blaine, get home and go to bed.

Since today was their high school graduation, the entire glee club decided to celebrate at the new restaurant in town that was opened only a few weeks ago. Even though not all of them are seniors, everybody from the club came.

The whole celebration was Rachel's idea. She said she wanted them to be together one last time before they all went their separate ways.

They had a few tables reserved at the back of the restaurant. After everyone arrived and sat down, Rachel tapped her glass of water with her fork and stood up. Everybody's attention was immediately focused on her.

"I just wanted to say that these past three years have been the best of my life thanks to all of you. I consider you all my family, and I'm going to miss you." She swiped a finger underneath her eye and blinked the excess tears away. Across the table from her, Tina burst into uncontrollable sobs, which eventually lightened up enough for her to force a smile.

Everybody clapped and Finn put his arm around Rachel and whispered something in her ear. She nodded with tears budding in her eyes and they both sat down.

The entire club took a trip down memory lane, retelling embarrassing and hilarious stories that occurred over the past three years, starting from the first time the original five rehearsed. By the end of the night everybody was teary-eyed and exchanging hugs, wishing each other the best in life.

Kurt didn't say much the entire time they were at the restaurant. It wasn't that he didn't have anything to say. The entire time it felt surreal and half of him didn't believe that it was really all over. He felt summer would come and go and then they would all be back in the choir room in the fall.

And then when he hugged his friends goodbye it really hit him. It's all over. He'll never perform with them ever again in the choir room or auditorium back at school. His life is going to go in a completely new direction. He'll still live at home with his father and Carole since he's going to a community college, he'll get to see his friends that are still going to McKinley next year, and of course he'll get to see Blaine as often as he wants.

But things won't be the same and that bothers him.

"Stop, it's a red light."

Kurt slams his foot on the brakes and blinks his eyes a few times, bringing himself back to the present.

Blaine looks at him with concern. "Are you okay?"

Kurt rubs his temple. "Yeah, I'm fine." The light turns green and he slowly puts his foot on the gas pedal, trying to keep himself focused on the road.

But Blaine knows that something is wrong. He doesn't want to have to pry the truth out of Kurt, but he doesn't want him to stay silent either. He knows that Kurt has been down ever since he was rejected from NYADA and Rachel was accepted. Blaine really doesn't want to bring the subject up, but he doesn't want Kurt to suffer in silence.

"Is it about NYADA?"

The thought of that didn't even pass through Kurt's mind. He remembers opening his letter and feeling like a knife was stuck in him, and the blade twisted when he heard Rachel exclaim that she was accepted. Blaine stayed with Kurt that night and tried to comfort him, but nothing could console him. All of that work, everything he went through, and none of it paid off. He felt like a worthless, utter failure, not knowing where he was going in life.

"No."

"Then what is it?"

Kurt shakes him off. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it." They stop at another red light.

But Blaine's not going to drop it. He hates when Kurt refuses to open up to him and instead keeps all his feelings locked up. He places his hand on Kurt's thigh and Kurt glances at him out of the corner of his eye.

"Come on, what is it?"

Kurt knows he isn't going to give up on prying it out of him anytime soon, so he sighs and confesses.

"Everything is going to be different now."

"What do you mean?"

"Pretty much our whole group of friends is splitting apart." Saying this makes his stomach drop. All the people in glee club are pretty much the only friends he's ever had in his entire life and he's not ready to let go just yet.

"You'll be able to still see them. Half of them didn't graduate yet and the rest will be back for break and stuff."

The rain picks up and pours down harder. Kurt sighs and says, "I know, but it's still not the same." His heart feels heavy and he wishes that he could press a rewind button that took him back to the start of it all, back to the beginning of sophomore year.

Blaine doesn't really know what else to say. He removes his hand from Kurt's leg and looks out the rain-dotted window. He understands how Kurt feels. Before Kurt joined glee club he barely had anybody at school, or at least that's what he told Blaine. And then Kurt joined and that club pretty much saved his life. Everybody there accepted him for who he was and when Blaine joined they welcomed him with open arms, well, everybody except for Finn. But still, they're like a second family to Kurt, and graduating high school means he won't get to see them as much.

But secretly Blaine is glad that Kurt isn't going to NYDA and is instead attending community college. He'll get to see him more often, which was his biggest concern about Kurt going to NYDA. He wants Kurt to be happy, but he also can't stand the thought of having so much distance between them.

He looks back over at Kurt and lets his eyes linger on him for a few moments, examining his perfect profile. Kurt's beautiful blue-grey eyes are focused on the road ahead; his lips are pale in the faint light. He can't imagine being apart from Kurt for such a long time. It would really break him.

"At least you'll still have me."

Kurt looks over at him and the corners of his mouth curve up into a smile. "I know. And I'm grateful for that."

Blaine smiles back and places his hand back on Kurt's leg and rubs the outside of his thigh with his thumb. Kurt closes his eyes for a moment and briefly forgets that his life's about to change. He thinks for a split second that it's just him and Blaine and nothing else matters. He wishes it could be like that. He'd do anything for that.

Blaine begins to move his hand up Kurt's thigh. His touch feels amazingly good, and Kurt almost loses himself in it. He opens his eyes and his heart gives a slight jolt when he remembers he's still on the road.

"Blaine, stop."

Blaine removes his hand from Kurt's leg and turns his head towards the window. Kurt feels bad, but he has to keep his attention focused on the road. He glances over at Blaine. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

They remain quiet for a few minutes. A car honks aggressively and angrily passes another. Kurt hates driving in the rain when he can barely see and the road is treacherous. His heart begins to pound and he grips the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white.

Another car honks and Kurt mumbles, "Oh god." They stop at another red light. "I hate driving in this weather."

"You're doing a great job," Blaine assures him.

Kurt sighs. "I just want to drop you off and get home."

Blaine's heart falls a little bit. Kurt realizes what he said must have hurt Blaine a bit by how quiet he's being now.

"I'm sorry. I just can't wait to get to bed. It's got nothing to do with you." Blaine nods understandingly, but Kurt doesn't see because he's too focused on the road. He hears that Blaine doesn't respond and sighs, feeling incredibly bad. He doesn't want them to part on bad terms.

Kurt takes a deep breath. "I love you."

Blaine's heart skips a beat when Kurt says that. They tell each other that they love each other almost every day, but each time one of them says it always feels like the first time.

"I love you too."

Kurt feels himself lighten and he smiles, but his smile quickly fades.

He sees the car sliding towards them but it's to late for him to move out of the way. He slams his foot down on the brake and braces himself for the blow, his thoughts racing wildly within the few seconds before the impact. There's the grating screech of tires. Glass shatters and rains everywhere. The impact jolts him back and forth, and then to the side where he slams his head against the side of the car.

And then everything goes black.

* * *

Bright white light.

That is all Kurt sees when he first opens his eyes. He blinks them a few times and sees a silhouette hovering over him. And then his ears adjust and he hears low voices and robotic beeps.

_"We have him. He's back."_

It takes him a few moments to realize where he is. He's inside an ambulance, lying on a stretcher. His shirt is gone and the paramedic looks relieved to see him finally breathing again. Kurt barely remembers what happened because he hit his head so hard. But bits and pieces slowly come back to him.

And then it all hits him.

He suddenly sits upright, but the paramedic seizes him and eases him back down.

"Where's Blaine?" he cries, eyes darting around the ambulance until they stop on the stretcher next to him. His heart almost stops when he sees him lying motionless. He can't tell if he's breathing or not.

_"Oh my god." _Kurt tries to jump off the stretcher but the paramedic continues to restrain him. _"Blaine! Is he—?"_

"Calm down, kid," the paramedic says, lying Kurt back down on the stretcher, but he refuses to listen. He bolts back up and reaches for Blaine's hand. It's still warm, but the color is beginning to drain of out his skin.

_"Oh god,"_ Kurt cries. He feels as though this is all his fault because he was the one driving. He feels there was something he could have done to prevent this. But it's not his fault; the situation was inevitable.

_"I'm sorry,"_ Kurt cries, tears streaking his face. _"I'm so sorry."_

And then he feels the needle pierce through his arm and his body relaxes. His eyes feel heavy and he lies back down on the stretcher, the thought of Blaine's condition still full blown in his mind. Before he's completely knocked out he looks over and Blaine and mumbles, _"I love you."_

And then everything goes black once again.


	2. Chapter Two

_"I miss you so much it hurts." _

Kurt leans his head back against the cool marble of the gravestone and lets out a shaky breath. The cemetery is utterly empty, so he talks out loud without having the pressure of others around. But he's not talking to himself; he's talking to the boy lying underneath the ground.

It's been about a week since the accident, and the heavy ache in Kurt's heart keeps growing. He's barely gotten out of bed and spent most of the week lying underneath the safety of his blankets, shunning himself from the rest of the world. He's been ignoring texts and calls from his friends. He didn't look anybody in the eyes at the funeral. He hasn't spoken a word to anybody since it all happened.

The only person he talks to is Blaine. It's the only thing helping to keep him sane.

"_It's all my fault. If only I was paying more attention. I could have saved you." _A tear runs down his cheek and drops off his chin. _"I'm so sorry."_

This is the first time Kurt has stepped foot out of his house since the funeral. He knows he looks like hell, and he honestly couldn't care less. He hasn't showered recently and has the hood of his sweatshirt up, something he never wears, to cover how terrible his hair looks. Dark circles hang underneath his eyes and his skin is paler than usual.

Kurt feels like hell too. He hasn't slept in days, even though he's spent most of the week in bed. He hasn't eaten enough and feels lightheaded. All he's been thinking about is Blaine, where he is now, if he's okay, if he hates Kurt for letting this happen to him.

Kurt hates himself for letting it happen. Because of him the love of his life is gone. Every day and night as Kurt lies in bed, he wishes that he died with Blaine, or that it could have been him instead. Blaine had so much more potential in life, while Kurt has absolutely none.

Kurt tries so hard, but he never achieves what he aims for. Whenever he tried out for a specific part in the school play, he never got it. He didn't get into NYADA, and his future dreams were crushed. He has no idea what he's going to do with his life, and he doesn't want to continue on without Blaine. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with him; he was even planning on marrying him someday.

Kurt pulls his knees into him. _"It should have been me instead."_ Another tear slips down his face and he wipes it away with the back of his hand. _"It should have been me."_ Kurt escaped the accident with only a concussion and one night in the hospital, while Blaine suffered from major internal bleeding.

He sits silently for a few minutes, guilt wrapping itself around him. He opens his eyes and a small smile finds its way onto his face. "Remember the first time we met at Dalton? When you looked at me I instantly fell for you. I'll never forget that day." He closes his eyes again and pictures that moment on the staircase when his eyes first met Blaine's and how his heart skipped a beat. "And the first time we kissed. You don't know how good you made me feel in that moment. I felt as though I finally wasn't alone, and that you understood me, and cared about me and—" He gets choked up on tears and can't finish his sentence and breaks down into uncontrollable sobs.

Since the graveyard is still eerily empty, no one can hear Kurt's cries. And he likes it that way. Back at home he forced himself to stay silent the entire week, but now he can let it all out without having someone hovering over him, trying to comfort him when nothing can.

He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. At first he hesitates to take it out because he's still not ready to talk to anyone. When he does check his phone he sees that it's a text from Rachel.

_[Rachel] – Kurt, please answer. I'm really worried about you._

Kurt puts his phone back in his pocket, refusing to answer her text, and heads out of the cemetery, stopping a few times to glance over his shoulder at the headstone. He tells himself that he'll come back soon, because this is the only way he'll ever be able to be close to Blaine again.

He reaches his house and quietly slips through the front door. Before he gets a chance to escape to his room, his father's voice stops him.

"Kurt."

Kurt turns around to face his father, but doesn't look him in the eyes. He doesn't want him to see that he's been crying.

But Burt can sense his grief. He walks over to Kurt and takes him in his arms, rubs his back and mumbles into his ear, _"It's okay, Kurt. Everything's going to be okay."_

But everything isn't going to be okay. Blaine is dead because of him. Kurt leans his head against his father's shoulder and hugs him tighter, trying to ignore his words of comfort because they have an empty meaning to him.

Everything isn't going to be okay.

Burt pulls away from his son enough to look him in the eyes. He notices how Kurt's appearance is deteriorating: the dark circles under his eyes, the breakouts on his chin, and the paleness of his complexion. He knows Kurt has been shunning everybody out of his life, including Burt. Burt's tried to talk to him before but got nothing out of him. And still, Kurt refuses to say anything.

"Come on, Kurt. Talk to me."

Kurt still refuses to look his father in the eyes. "I'm tired," is all he says.

Burt sighs. "All right. Why don't you go get some sleep before dinner? And you're eating with us tonight. No more skipping meals."

Kurt nods and goes upstairs to his room. He crawls underneath the covers of his bed and closes his eyes, knowing that he won't be able to fall asleep, not with the constant reminder that he's responsible for the death of his boyfriend. He lets himself cry quietly, until he begins to doze off, but wakes up when he hears his name.

"Kurt?"

It's Rachel's voice. Kurt doesn't want to see her now, especially because he looks and feels like a complete mess. Her footsteps approach his bed and he squeezes his eyes tighter.

"Kurt."

When he still doesn't answer she sighs and sits on the edge of his bed. "I know you're under there."

Kurt bites down on his lip, tears pooling in his eyes. He wants her to go, but yet he doesn't. His other friends have been calling and texting him nonstop, but this is the first time any of them has made the effort to come and see him. He's actually happy that she's here; he needs somebody to be with him. Her presence makes him feel a little better.

He takes a deep, shaky breath, and lets it out. Rachel hears him and looks down at the wrapped plate sitting in her lap. "I baked you some cookies, but I burned some of them. Well, most of them." She sets the plate on the nightstand beside his bed and looks down at the sad heap of blankets. "Kurt, please talk to me."

Kurt opens his eyes and pulls the covers down so he can see Rachel. Her eyes widen when she sees how sickly he looks. "Oh my god, Kurt." She gently touches his cheek with her fingertips. "You look terrible—"

"It's all my fault he's dead." He wipes his eyes on the back of his sleeve. Rachel stares at him, her eyes wide.

"It's not your fault, Kurt. It was an accident. Please don't blame yourself."

Kurt shakes his head. "But I was driving. I should have been paying more attention. If I saw the car coming a few seconds earlier I could have moved out of the way. I could have saved him." He tries hard to hold in his tears, refusing to look at Rachel so she doesn't see the glassy look in his eyes.

Rachel takes him in her arms, stroking his back with her fingertips. "There was nothing you could do. It was an accident that you couldn't prevent. It just happened too fast. It's not your fault."

But Kurt keeps silently blaming himself. Rachel assures him that there was nothing he could have done to prevent the accident from happening and that it was completely the drunk driver's fault. He remains quiet until Rachel tells him she has to get home.

"Call me if you need anything," she tells him as she gives him a final hug goodbye. "I'm always here for you, Kurt."

After she leaves, Kurt remains hidden in bed until his stepmom calls him for dinner. He rolls out of bed and goes downstairs into the dining room and sits in his usual spot. Finn isn't home, so it's just his father and Carole.

Kurt refuses to look at ether of them while he eats. He keeps his head bowed and shovels food into his mouth as fast as he can. The faster he eats the faster he can get back into bed.

"Kurt."

He stops chewing and looks up at his dad.

"I want you to talk to us. No more staying silent." Burt glances at Carole and then back at his son. "We're worried about you."

Kurt drops his fork and finishes chewing and swallows. He looks his father in the eyes. "I'll be okay." He doesn't want to get into how he's really feeling at the dinner table. He decides on just keeping all of his feelings locked up inside him, like he normally does, until they eventually fade, or take over him. He really doesn't care what happens. Now that Blaine is gone there is no reason to care anymore.

"I know you're not okay. You really need to talk." Kurt shakes his head and his father says in a firmer tone, "I'm not suggesting you talk, I'm ordering you to talk."

He closes his eyes for a moment. He wants to say, "I was stupid and got my boyfriend killed, and now I can't fucking function because I have all this damn guilt hanging over me, and I'll never get to seem him again and I miss him so fucking much and wish that it was me instead of him. I wish I died instead."

But instead he says, "I miss him."

Burt eyes his son suspiciously, but doesn't push anymore. "I know you do, Kurt. Just give it some time."

Kurt nods and finishes eating. He excuses himself from the table but his father stops him.

"I don't want you staying in bed the whole summer. Tomorrow I want you to go apply for a job at the Lima Bean. And dress nice."

Kurt nods again and leaves the dining room and heads upstairs. His plan for the rest of the night is to finally take a shower and then slip back into bed.

He goes into the bathroom and turns on the shower. While the water heats up, he strips off his clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor. The water is steaming hot when he steps inside the shower. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back, running his fingers through his hair. The hot water pouring down his body feels amazingly good and helps him to relax some.

Usually Kurt sings in the shower, but all the melody has been drained out of him. He stands there, arms crossed against his chest, head pointed down and eyes focused on the water swirling down the drain.

Kurt finishes up his shower, grabs a towel, and heads back to his room to get changed for bed.

The covers are all scrunched at the foot of his bed. He lies down and pulls them over him, but doesn't turn out his light right away. This is going to be the first time he's actually going to try and get some sleep, since he does have something he has to do tomorrow and wants to be rested for it. Of course he's extremely exhausted from a steady stream of sleepless nights, but he doesn't want to go to sleep.

For the longest time he stares blankly at his closet across the room, completely consumed in his thoughts. Finally he turns off his light and settles into bed.

But not long after he gets comfortable, he hears his bedroom door creak open and light streaks his room. Footsteps approach his bedside and he feels a hand on his shoulder.

"Kurt, are you awake?"

Kurt rolls onto his back and looks up at his father. Burt looks back down at him, concern in his eyes. He kneels down so that his face is level with his son's. Even though there are only a few strips of light, Burt can see the sadness in his son's eyes. He wishes he could take the pain away; seeing Kurt like this truly devastates him.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Burt asks, taking Kurt's hand in his. Kurt shakes his head, gripping his father's hand as tight as he can. "Will you talk to me?"

Kurt squeezes his eyes shut and bites down on his lip. When he opens them he looks at his father. "I miss him so much."

Burt sighs. "I know you do, Kurt. I know you do." He strokes the inside of Kurt's palm with his thumb. "What else is bothering you?"

Kurt doesn't want to get into that. He doesn't want to talk about the storm of guilt that has been hanging over him ever since the accident, he doesn't want to tell his father that he wished that he died with Blaine, or that his life was taken instead. Kurt takes a deep breath and says, "Nothing."

"Don't lie to me, Kurt. I know there's something else."

Kurt decides to surrender, or else his father won't leave him alone until he says everything that's on his mind. "I feel like the accident was my fault."

"It wasn't your fault at all. The other driver was extremely drunk and was driving way above the speed limit in the pouring rain. And it was impossible for you to see with all that rain. Don't beat yourself up, Kurt. It wasn't your fault." He gives Kurt's hand a squeeze. "I'm just so thankful that you're okay."

Kurt looks away from his father. He can't tell him how he's really feeling, about how he wishes he died instead. So he just nods his head and says, "Me too."

Burt gives his son a small, comforting smile and lets go of his hand. "Get some sleep, you really need it." He gets up and heads for the door, but before he leaves, he turns around and says, "I love you, Kurt."

"I love you, too." And then his father shuts the door, leaving Kurt alone in the dark.

Kurt closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in and lets it out. The darkness closes around him and he tries to drain his thoughts so that they don't keep him awake throughout the night. He empties his mind until it's absolutely blank and continues to breathe in deeply. Slowly he begins to submerge into sleep.

And then he feels something touch his hair.

Kurt's eyes snap open and he remains incredibly still, listening keenly for any movement. It can't be his father; he already said goodnight to him, and his stepmom barely comes into his bedroom, and it can't be Finn. And if it were any of them, then his bedroom door would be open.

Kurt's breathing quickens and his eyes widen when he feels the touch again, just as if someone was gently running their fingers through his hair. He pulls the blankets over his head and squeezes his eyes shut, hoping that it will stop.

And then he hears a faint voice call his name.

_"Kurt?"_

Kurt's eyes snap open and his heart skips when he hears that voice. Tears form in the corners of his eyes and he doesn't know what to believe now. It can't be him, it just can't be. But he heard his voice as clear as day.

Kurt bites down on his lip as he tries to control himself and waits for the voice to come back, but it doesn't. He wants to, no, _needs _to hear it again. He quietly calls out, _"Blaine?"_

But there's no answer.


	3. Chapter Three

A steaming cup of coffee sits just to the right of Kurt's elbow. He's bent over the job application, staring at the blank lines that have yet to be filled in. His cheek rests in his hand and the point of his pen hovers directly over the first line on the paper. He can't bring himself to begin filling it out. His thoughts are distracted by what happened last night.

_Was that really him I heard, or was it just my imagination?_

_Is Blaine's death really causing me to go mad?_

Kurt takes a sip of coffee and lets the pen drop to the table. He rubs his face, trying to help wake himself up.

He got absolutely no sleep last night. That voice haunted him throughout the long night hours, and it still haunts him as he sits at a table in the far back corner of the Lima Bean. There was absolutely no way that it was really Blaine. How could it be? He's dead.

Kurt looks up and across the room at the seats closer to the entrance of the coffee shop. Right away he spots the table that he and Blaine always used to sit at whenever they came here. And then it hits him at once; all the times they said _I love you_ to each other and held hands sitting in those chairs. Kurt tells himself to stay strong, and picks his pen back up and goes back to attempting to fill out the application.

After a while, he has about half of it filled out and the coffee cup sits empty near the edge of the table. He considers going up to order another, because his eyes are beginning to feel heavy again. He finishes the line he's working on and is about to get up, but a voice stops him.

"Well look who it is."

Kurt's eyes slowly roll up and stop when they hit Sebastian's face. That dumb smirk that he always has on is the first thing Kurt sees. For once, he's not wearing his Warbler uniform.

Sebastian's dumb grin widens. "Why isn't Blaine with you?" When Kurt doesn't respond his face lights up. "Wait, don't tell me. He dumped your ass." Sebastian is enjoying the pained expression on Kurt's face. "He couldn't take how stuck up you are anymore."

Kurt closes his eyes and shakes his head. He wants to tell him the truth, but saying it out loud just makes the situation even more real.

"Well, Hummel?" Kurt's eyes travel back up to Sebastian, who is staring at him with one eyebrow arched, waiting for a reply.

Kurt takes a deep breath in and lets it out with the truth. "He's dead." He picks his pen back up and shuts Sebastian out. His main focus is back on finishing the job application, hoping that Sebastian will see that he isn't going to say anything else and go.

But Sebastian doesn't leave. _"What?"_ He sits in the chair across the table from Kurt and snatches the pen out of his hand. "How is he dead?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Kurt begins to pack up his stuff because he doesn't want to be pestered by him. But Sebastian slams his hand down in front of Kurt and he jumps.

"I knew him too. I want to know what happened."

Kurt glares at him for a few moments before surrendering. "Fine." He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. "It was a car accident." Kurt pauses and decides that's all he wants to say.

"When?" Sebastian questions.

"Last week."

"Were you with him?"

Kurt solemnly nods his head. "I was driving."

Sebastian's eyes widen. "So you killed him?"

Kurt stops breathing for a moment and stares hard at Sebastian's ferret-like face. "You actually think I meant for it to happen?"

"I don't know."

Kurt can't believe what he's hearing. He always knew that Sebastian was evil, but he didn't know that he was _this_ evil.

"It was an accident. I would never do that intentionally." He feels his eyes begin to tear up and he leans back in his chair and avoids looking at Sebastian. "I would never do that," he repeats softly.

Sebastian's smirk slowly slides back across his face when he sees that Kurt is getting upset. He loves Kurt's pain and decides to drag it out more. "Don't lie to yourself, Hummel. You killed him."

Kurt bites down on his lip and grips the edge of the table to keep himself from lunging out at Sebastian. "Why would I do that? Why would I kill him? I _loved_ him. You're just jealous that he was with me and not you!" Kurt takes a deep breath to calm himself down. "Give me a reason why I would kill him."

Sebastian shrugs.

"Then don't say I killed him." _It was an accident. It wasn't my fault. _Kurt has been telling himself this over and over but he still doesn't believe it, and what Sebastian just said has cut the wound even deeper.

To tell the honest truth, Sebastian couldn't care less if Blaine is dead. He got over him a while ago, but still, he despises Kurt and loves to see him miserable, and right now this is the perfect opportunity to add to Kurt's misery. With that smirk still spread wide across his face he asks, "Are you sure you didn't?"

Kurt stares at him with wide, tearful eyes, and practically yells, "I didn't! It was an accident!" He wipes his eyes with his fingertip and lowers his voice. "Stop saying I killed him."

"But you did."

"I don't need this." Kurt gathers up his stuff lying on the table and his bag hanging on the back of his chair into arms. He doesn't bother slinging it over his shoulder; he's desperate to get out of there as fast as he can. He's about to storm out, but Sebastian stands up, blocking his escape.

"You're a murderer, Hummel," he hisses at Kurt. Kurt doesn't bother trying to keep himself from crying, and shoves him out of the way, his legs heading for the exit. But Sebastian yanks Kurt's arm back and all of Kurt's stuff scatters across the floor. Kurt kneels down and picks up his stuff as Sebastian stands over him.

Again, Kurt attempts to escape, but Sebastian holds him back. He sees the tears streaking Kurt's face, but doesn't feel any remorse for making him feel this way. He just hisses, _"Murderer,"_ and Kurt pushes past him, this time managing to break free. He leaves the coffee shop with his head bent and keeps walking until it's a good distance behind him.

Kurt takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, trying to push what just happened out of his mind, but he can't. Sebastian's cutting words echo inside his mind.

_You killed him_

_You're a murderer._

Kurt lets out a soft cry as he puts the application into his bag and then slings it over his shoulder. He stands in the middle of the sidewalk with his head bowed and arms crossed. Out of the corners of his eyes he sees people walk past him in a blur. Someone knocks into his shoulder and he looks up and his heart stops for a split second.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees someone familiar standing on the other side of the street. Right away it hits him and his eyes widen and his heart begins to pound. He snaps his head in that direction and breathes out, "_Blaine?"_ But when his eyes land on the spot where he was standing, there's no one there.

Kurt stares dumbfounded at the sidewalk across the street. His eyes scan the entire length of that sidewalk and inspect every single person that walks by, but none of them are him. Kurt begins to believe that he's truly going insane.

"Shit," Kurt moans and rubs his eyes with his fingers. _"Shit."_

After convincing himself that he didn't see Blaine and that he's really going insane, Kurt continues to walk down the sidewalk towards home, keeping his eyes focused on the ground, blurred behind the wall of tears forming in his eyes.

_But I swear I saw him._

* * *

After dinner Kurt takes a long hot shower and then gets changed for bed. He sits cross-legged on his bed with his phone in his hands, scrolling through the endless ignored texts from his friends. He feels bad for not replying to any of them and is about to reply to the most recent one from Mercedes, when there's a knock on his door.

"Its open." The door opens and Finn pokes his head in.

"Hey, Kurt."

Kurt looks up from his phone. "Hi."

Finn walks into the room with his hands in his pockets and stands a few feet in front of Kurt. "I'm leaving for the army tomorrow."

Kurt feels his stomach drop. "Right. I forgot."

"I just wanted to say goodbye now since I have to leave early tomorrow morning." He looks down at his brother, who is bent over his phone again. Finn hasn't really talked to Kurt since the funeral and knows that he has been avoiding him, and everybody else, ever since. "How are you feeling?"

Kurt shrugs. "Not that great."

Finn sighs. "I'm so sorry, Kurt. Is there anything I can do?" Kurt shakes his head. "Things will get better.

Kurt nods but doesn't take Finn's words to heart. He can be told over and over that things will get better and that everything will be okay, but that still doesn't change the fact that a huge chunk of his life is gone forever.

Finn turns for the door slightly. "So, I guess this is goodbye for a while. I'll be back for the holidays."

Kurt nods his head and closes his eyes. His brother is heading off to the army, and he'll probably be deported to go battle in some distant land sometime soon, and there hangs the chance that he may not make it back. He can't stand the thought of losing another person he loves. Losing one was hard enough, and the thought of losing two kills him.

_"Please don't die," _Kurt murmurs, keeping his head down.

This catches Finn off guard, and he doesn't know exactly how to react. He knows that Kurt is hurting now, and the thought of losing Finn as well is cutting the wound even deeper. The sight of his brother so upset and vulnerable really kills Finn inside, but he just doesn't know how to comfort him.

"I won't die," Finn assures him.

Kurt looks up at him with wide, sad eyes. "Promise me?"

Finn can't make that promise, but he nods his head. "I promise I'll be back, Kurt. I'll see you soon." He heads for the door, his shoulders slightly slumped, wishing that there was something else he could do or say to make Kurt feel better.

"Wait." Kurt gets off his bed and throws his arms around his brother and holds him tight, afraid that if he lets go for even a second he'll never see him again. _"Please be careful. I don't want to lose you too."_

Finn is stunned because he's never seen Kurt like this. At the funeral last weekend he seemed so empty and numb, all the emotions drained from him leaving behind a cold, hard shell that was once his brother. But now he's the complete opposite and is finally letting his emotions emerge in front of others. Finn holds him back and feels Kurt's tiny body tremble against his. "I'll be fine. You're not going to lose me, okay?"

"You promise?" Kurt cries.

"I promise."

Kurt hangs onto Finn for a little longer, until he pulls away from him slightly and looks up at his brother. "Good luck. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too."

Finn walks over to Kurt's bedroom door and Kurt sits back down on his bed, staring blankly at his lap.

"Goodnight," Finn says, before he closes Kurt's door.

"Goodnight." Kurt pulls his knees into him and sighs. Even though he doesn't believe in God, he prays for the safe return of his brother. Death already took one person he loves, and it can't have another.

He feels his phone vibrate on the bed next to him and picks it up to check to see who the message is from. But when he sees who sent it he drops his phone and it clatters to the floor.

_[Blaine] – Kurt?_

Kurt stares down at his phone as if it was a poisonous spider. It can't be possible. This can't be happening. Someone has to be messing with him. It can't be one of his friends playing a joke on him, because this would be such a cruel and unforgiving joke. Maybe someone got a hold of Blaine's phone and read through the messages, saw how intimate he and Kurt were and decided to fool around, sending Kurt prank messages?

His phone vibrates again and at first Kurt hesitates to pick it up. But he tells himself to be brave and bends down to pick up his phone.

_[Blaine] – Remember_

Kurt covers his mouth and stares down at the glowing screen in awe until it goes dark. Remember what? Something about the accident? Something before the accident? He tries to decipher what it could possibly mean but comes up with nothing.

_Remember what?_

Could this still be a joke? He remembers hearing Blaine's voice say his name the night before; he remembers seeing him out of the corner of his eye today. Could this all be some kind of messed up joke? Is he going insane?

For the rest of the night Kurt lies curled up on his bed, staring at the text messages, convincing himself that they're real and that this is really happening.

* * *

_"I can't believe I didn't get in."_

_Blaine could feel his boyfriend's body tremble against him as he cried. He rubbed Kurt's shoulder and pulled him in closer. "I'm so sorry, Kurt."_

_Kurt took in a deep breath and let it out with a soft sob. Today he received his rejection letter from NYADA, the only school he applied to. For months he'd been dreaming about going to that school, hoping that when he graduated he'd end up on Broadway and would finally be able to live his dreams. Rachel got her acceptance letter today and was ecstatic and Finn took her out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate that night. But Kurt was happy for Rachel and the fact that she'd be able to live her dreams, even though his own were crushed just by that one piece of paper._

_A tear ran down Kurt's cheek and onto his pillow. He closed his eyes and felt his boyfriend's hand run down his side. "It's okay, Kurt. You'll be okay." He kissed the back of Kurt's neck._

_"I don't know what I'm going to do," Kurt cried. "I need to go there."_

_Blaine sighed and ran his fingers through Kurt's hair. "Maybe you weren't meant to go there. Maybe it's for the best."_

_"It can't be," Kurt whimpered. "I'm supposed to go there." When Kurt sighed his entire body shook. "I'm a failure."_

_"You're not a failure. Your audition was amazing. That school was stupid to not let you in." Blaine held Kurt tighter. "Whatever you do with your life I know you'll do great. You're amazing, Kurt."_

_Kurt put his hand on top of his boyfriend's. "Thank you." He was still hurting though, and Blaine sensed it. He wished he could take the pain away; he hated seeing Kurt so broken. _

_Kurt let out another cry and Blaine couldn't take it anymore. He rolled Kurt over on his back so that they were face to face. "I can't stand to see you like this, baby. Is there anything I can do?" _

_Kurt let out a shaky breath. "It just hurts so much."_

_Blaine lied back down next to him. "I know." He stroked Kurt's cheek with his fingertips. "I know it does."_

_Kurt turned his head so he was looking Blaine directly in the eyes. Blaine looked back at him and noticed the glassy shine in his eyes and how red his face was from crying. But still, he looked so beautiful. No matter what Kurt was always beautiful and perfect in his eyes. "I love you," he said and gave Kurt a small smile._

_"I love you too." But he couldn't smile back; he was hurting too much._

_Blaine kissed the soft skin on Kurt's neck. "Come on, baby. Tell me how I can make you feel better."_

_Kurt closed his eyes. His heart hurt so much and he didn't believe that anything would help it to heal, not even Blaine. But he'd do anything to get his mind off of it. He needed something that would take over the mental pain he was feeling. He opened his eyes and looked at Blaine and whispered, "I want you inside of me."_

_Blaine's breath hitched. "Are you sure?"_

_Kurt nodded. He needed it, he needed to feel the physical pain, he needed it to overpower the emotional pain he was feeling and help him to forget. "Right now. Please?"_

_"Okay." Blaine gave Kurt a quick kiss on the lips. "If that's what you want."_

_Of course Blaine didn't mind doing it, he just wasn't sure if Kurt was really okay with it. But he didn't argue and kissed Kurt again, this time holding on, dragging his tongue across the seam of Kurt's lips. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck and kissed him back hard, and then broke away from the kiss and said, "I need you in me now."_

_"Okay, but do you have anything?'_

_Kurt nodded his head and pointed to his nightstand drawer. Blaine opened it up and took out a bottle of lubricant and a condom. He looked back down at his boyfriend lying on the bed._

_"Are you sure?" he asked again_

_Kurt nodded his head and forced a smile. "I'm sure."_

_Blaine helped Kurt get undressed and then undressed himself. Kurt lied underneath him on his stomach, his cheek pressed into his pillow and his arms hugged it. Blaine straddled Kurt's legs and ran his fingers up Kurt's bare back and felt Kurt shiver underneath his touch. He leaned down to kiss Kurt's shoulder and then whispered in his ear, "You sure about this?"_

_"Yeah," Kurt breathed out. "I'm sure."_

_And with that, Blaine gave Kurt another kiss on his shoulder and let his hand travel down Kurt's back. He opened up the bottle of lubricant and dipped his fingers into it. He gently pushed a finger inside Kurt and heard his breath hitch._

_It stung, but it didn't hurt as much as Kurt wanted it to. His thoughts began to drift back to opening up the letter earlier that day and reading the first line. He felt that sinking feeling in his heart again, and it just wouldn't go away. He let Blaine work his one finger in and out of him, until he added a second one. "Do it now," Kurt moaned, tears forming in his eyes._

_Blaine complied and positioned himself over Kurt. He slid the condom onto himself and rubbed the lubricant on. He waited a few moments before gradually pushing inside of Kurt. Kurt cried out and Blaine stopped. "Kurt…"_

_"I'm fine," Kurt assured him. "Keep going."_

_Blaine pushed all the way inside him and stayed still for a few minutes, listening to Kurt's heavy breathing, watching his back slowly rise and fall. He rubbed Kurt's hips and asked softly, "Are you ready?"_

_"Yeah." Kurt wiped his eyes against his pillow and took a deep breath. "I'm ready."_

_Blaine began to slowly rock his hips, moving in and out of him. Kurt grit his teeth because it hurt so much, but he loved it. It helped him to gradually forget about the shitty day he had. He focused on Blaine inside of him, going painfully slow. _

_"Go faster," Kurt groaned, and Blaine did just that. Kurt moved his hips along with Blaine's thrusts, and the rest of the world was pushed away. Nothing mattered except for Blaine. Even though Blaine inside him hurt, Kurt still loved it, loved him so much, loved that he was there for him. The pain felt so good._

_When they were done they got underneath the covers of Kurt's bed and held each other. Kurt rested his head against Blaine's chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart, felt the warmth of his skin against his cheek. Kurt settled closer into him and breathed out, "I love you."_

_Blaine held Kurt tighter against him, rubbing his back with his palm. He buried his face in Kurt's hair and could smell the faint aroma of the shampoo he always used. He loved that smell so much. _

_"I love you too, Kurt," he said, planting a kiss in the center of his forehead. "I love you so much." He felt Kurt tremble against him and saw that he was beginning to cry again. Blaine held him tighter to let him know that he was there for him, and that he wouldn't let go for anything._


	4. Chapter Four

[A/N: I had to update this chapter because there were some grammar errors and in the flashback some parts were present tense.]

"How about him? He's pretty cute." Kurt follows Tina's finger to a guy about their age, maybe slightly older, walking past their table in the mall food court. He's tall with rusty brown hair, pale skin, and a shirt that hangs loosely past his waist. Tina takes a sip of her soda and glances at Kurt, waiting for his reaction to her choice, but he doesn't say anything. She nudges him with her elbow. "Well?"

"He's all right," Kurt says indifferently, stirring his soda with his straw.

"How about that one," Mercedes says, pointing to another guy, a little shorter than the last, with shaggy blonde hair.

"He's okay," Kurt says with a shrug. He knows exactly what they're trying to do, but he's not going to give in. "Look, ladies, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm not ready to move on yet."

"Come on, Kurt," Tina says. "Maybe dating will help take your mind off it."

Kurt stares down at the half eaten pizza sitting in front of him on a grease-stained paper plate. "It's not like we broke up. He's dead."

Mercedes sighs and rubs his shoulder. "We're sorry, Kurt. We were just trying to help."

"I know." He forces a smile. "I appreciate it. Thank you." He takes a bite of pizza and his eyes scan the various people sitting at the tables scattered across the food court. His eyes fall on a group of skaters sitting clumped together at one table, with long hair and baggy jeans. They're so not his type. Neither is the group of jock-types sitting a few tables away from them. He'll never find someone he'll love as much as Blaine. Kurt tries to accept that he'll be alone for the rest of his life.

Tina notices the down look on Kurt's face. "How about after this we go shopping? We'll buy you something nice, okay?"

Kurt smiles and shakes his head. "You don't have to buy me anything."

"Well then _you_ buy yourself something nice."

Kurt finishes up his soda and stirs around the ice sitting at the bottom of the cup. He doesn't have much money, and there's nothing he really wants, but what he really does want is something no money can buy. He wants Blaine to be alive again. He would do anything for that. He'd even give his own life just to be with Blaine once more.

"Kurt?"

Kurt looks up at Mercedes and she sees the tears beginning to form in his eyes. She gives him a small smile. "Come on, babe. Let's go shopping."

They throw their trash away and walk past the different stores in the mall. Kurt used to love going to the mall with his friends all the time. They'd spend hours searching through all of the different stores, trying on different outfits and getting each other's opinions. He even went there a few times with Blaine. Blaine wasn't really into shopping, but he went with Kurt after Kurt begged him to accompany him to buy a new scarf or some face cream. He always gave in, unable to say no to Kurt's puppy-dog eyes.

"Let's go in here!" Tina exclaims and pulls Mercedes and Kurt into a cosmetic store. The store is tiny and packed inside. Kurt can barely move through the store without rubbing against someone. Tina pulls Mercedes away to check out the newest arrivals and Kurt slips to the back of the store where the skin care stuff is located.

He goes into this store when he comes to the mall to restock his supply of facial scrubs and creams. Sadly, he doesn't have enough to afford a tube of his favorite face cleanser, so he stands at the back of the store by the skin care products, his eyes scanning the labels over and over until he feels a tap on his shoulder.

"Kurt." It's Mercedes with a small, white paper shopping bag hanging in her hand. "We're going. Are you ready?"

"Yeah."

They walk out of the store and continue down the mall, a shopping bag in both Mercedes and Tina's hands. Tina murmurs something and Mercedes giggles. They're having so much fun together, while Kurt trudges at their side, suffering in silence, feeling completely left out.

The last time he was at this mall he was by himself. The only reason he was there was to kill some time before he met Blaine later at the park, not too far down the road. He remembers browsing in and out of stores until he got a text from Blaine saying he was already at the park. Kurt left the mall in a hurry, eager to go meet his boyfriend.

"Where do you want to go?"

Kurt snaps out of his daydream and looks over at Tina. "I don't care. You guys pick."

"We were going to try on some dresses," Mercedes says. "We want your opinion on how they look."

Kurt feels a wave of sadness wash over him and he's suddenly deeply depressed. All he wants to do is curl up in bed and sob, replaying the night of their graduation over and over in his head, remembering the last few happy hours he spent with all his friends and his boyfriend. He doesn't want to stay at the mall anymore, and Mercedes and Tina will have more fun without him weighing them down. "I think I'm going to head home now. I—I'm really tired. I haven't been sleeping well."

Mercedes gives him a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, babe. Do you want us to walk you home?"

Kurt shakes his head. "You guys keep shopping. I'll be all right."

"Are you sure?" Tina asks.

Kurt nods and forces a smile. "I'll be fine. You guys have fun." He says goodbye to them and heads in the opposite direction for the mall exit.

He would drive his car, but ever since the accident he's been afraid to get back behind the wheel, or even be in a car. Now he travels everywhere by foot, and probably will for a very long time. Kurt's father had Kurt's car repaired after the accident and he urges Kurt to start driving again, but Kurt refuses. And Blaine died in that car, so he never wants to drive it ever again.

It's a beautiful warm summer night. He walks through the parking lot and down the sidewalk bordering the road. He decides to take the longer route home and walks through the park, arms folded across his chest and head bowed. The park is wooded with a winding dirt path and benches dotting it. Up ahead he hears voices, and when he recognizes them he feels his heart sink.

A group of jocks from his graduated class are standing around a bench up ahead. They're still wearing their McKinley letterman jackets, like they did everyday back when they ruled the school. In the park light Kurt sees that they're drinking and are even rowdier than usual. There's no way that he's going to slip by unnoticed.

Tyler, the sandy-haired one perched on top of the bench sees Kurt as he passes underneath a lamppost. He lifts a wobbly finger and shouts, "Hey, look. Is that the homo?"

All three of them squint their eyes to get a better look, and one by one they start howling.

"It _is_ him." They set their drinks down and walk towards Kurt and surround him. "Hey, homo," Tyler says. "You shouldn't be walking in the dark all alone."

"Yeah," another jock named David adds. "Women should never walk alone at night by themselves."

Kurt feels his cheeks heat up. These guys used to torture him all freshman year and into the following years, easing up a little during their senior year. Of course they aren't going to leave him alone now, even though they've graduated. They have a chance to relive one of their favorite parts of high school all over again, and one of Kurt's least favorite.

"Hey." Tyler says, grabbing Kurt by the arm, digging his fingernails into it. "How about you come with us? We'll go someplace private and we can all take turns with you. You'd like that, right?"

Kurt breaks free of his hold and tries to push through the other two, but they block him like a barricade.

"Come on, baby," Tyler says, pretending to intimately stroke Kurt's arm. "It'll be fun."

Kurt knows they're making fun of him. Again, he tries to break through their blockade but the third one named Mark pushes him hard and he falls flat on his butt. They all burst into laughter.

"If you were smart you'd do what we say."

Kurt struggles to get back to his feet to only get pushed down by Tyler's foot. He leans down and spits in Kurt's face, "So you can either come with us or have the shit beaten out of you. Which one will it be?" His breath reeks of alcohol and Kurt turns his face away.

Of course he doesn't want to get beaten up, but he doesn't want to go with them because he knows they're going to sexually harass him. So he remains silent, which pisses Tyler off even more. He slams his foot into Kurt's leg and Kurt groans in pain.

_"Well?" _Tyler spits.

"Leave me alone," Kurt says, which only earns him another kick in the leg.

Tyler leans down again so that he level with Kurt, a sly smile on his face. "We won't tell your boyfriend. It'll be our little secret."

Kurt almost loses it when he says that, but he takes a deep breath to calm himself. He's handled these jackasses before. Usually if he stays silent and shows them that they aren't upsetting him they go away, but not this time. They hover over him like wasps, stinging him unmercifully.

"We'll give you so much more than he ever will. It'll be amazing, baby, I promise." Tyler strokes Kurt's leg, slowly making his way up his thigh. "I already know what I want to do to you. I hope you like it really rough." Kurt bites down hard on his lip. He feels Tyler's hand cup around his crotch and Kurt pushes him away. "Don't be like that, baby. You know you love it." Kurt glares at him. "So what will it be, homo?"

Kurt looks him dead in the eyes. "I'd rather drink acid than go with you."

All of their faces drop into scowls. Tyler lets go of Kurt and wobbly gets to his feet. "Wrong choice of words, homo. Do you know what I'm going to do to you now?" He grabs Kurt by the collar and hauls him to his feet, holding him against a tree. "No one will be able to recognize you when I'm done." He brings his fist back, aimed directly at Kurt's nose.

Kurt's eyes widen and he writhes to escape. "Please don't," he begs.

"Oh, I'm going to do it, homo."

Kurt's hands clasp Tyler's, his feet barely touching the ground. He takes deep breaths, hardly able to breathe because his collar is choking him. "Please—"

Tyler smirks when he sees Kurt pleading and struggling. "If only your little boyfriend was here to save you."

"He's dead!" Kurt cries out, surprising himself and the jocks.

Tyler lowers his fist and squints at Kurt, "What?"

"He's dead," Kurt repeats, this time softer. _Don't do it, _he silently begs himself. _Don't lose it in front of them._

But he does. Kurt breaks down right in front of them. Even though it's dark and the few lampposts bordering the path don't give off a decent amount of light, Tyler can see the tears streaming down Kurt's face. But he doesn't let this turn him soft. He raises his fist again and growls, "Don't think crying will get you out of this."

"Please," Kurt begs. "Let me go."

"I don't think so."

It happens very quickly. Tyler's fist collides with Kurt's nose, snapping Kurt's head back so it smashes against the tree. Kurt screams and collapses to the ground, his hands covering his throbbing nose. He feels something warm trickle out of his nostrils and through his fingers.

"That's what you get, _you fucking homo."_ Tyler turns to his friends. "Let's go." Kurt watches them go back to their drinks and disappear down the path. He stays down, panting heavily from both rage and pain. His nose throbs underneath his hands.

He sits alone in the dark, staring at the path in front of him, the same path that he and Blaine used to walk down on nice days while holding hands. Kurt leans his head back against the tree and lets out a groan. A cool summer breeze blows past his face, numbing his nose for a moment.

_"Kurt."_

Kurt stops breathing and listens. It's his voice again, but he doesn't know exactly where it came from. It seems to be lost in the wind.

_"Kurt."_

Kurt presses his palms against his ears. _"Please stop," _he begs. _"Please." _Kurt doesn't know how much more of this he can take. He loves that voice, but hearing it now that Blaine is gone? It's torturing him, hearing his voice but looking around and seeing that he's not there. Kurt doesn't know how much more he can take.

He feels something brush against his shoulder and hears his name again.

_"Kurt."_

Kurt closes his eyes and pulls his knees into him. It's so dark and even though the night air is warm, Kurt shivers. _"Blaine,"_ he cries.

* * *

_"I'm going to miss you so much."_

_Kurt gave his boyfriend's hand a squeeze. "I'm going to miss you too." _

_It was a beautiful spring day outside and they were both walking down the wooded path in the park, hand in hand. In only a few weeks Kurt would receive his letter from NYADA, determining his future. He was nervous, but also excited. He couldn't wait to go there and make something of himself._

_"You'll call me everyday?" Blaine asked._

_"I will."_

_"You promise?"_

_Kurt gave his hand another squeeze and smiled. "Yes, I promise."_

_Blaine was happy that Kurt was excited about going to school in New York, but he was worried about them being separated for so long. He knew that he wouldn't have ever cheated on Kurt, but he wasn't sure if Kurt would cheat on him while away at school. Being surrounded by a bunch of upperclassman might make Kurt forget about Blaine and go off with someone older._

_He was nervous to ask Kurt and this question had been on his mind for quite a while. But he needed to know. He took a deep breath and let it out with, "You wouldn't cheat on me, would you?"_

_This question caught Kurt off guard. He didn't know whether to be upset or offended that Blaine had asked him that. He stopped walking and let go of Blaine's hand and gave him the most disgusted look._

_"You actually think I would do that?"_

_"No, I just—I just—"_

_"Then why would you ask that?" Kurt snapped._

_Kurt was mad at him, and Blaine didn't blame him. Relationships were all about trust, and asking Kurt that question showed that Blaine didn't trust him, when he really did. He just needed to ask that in order to have closure so he wouldn't worry the entire time Kurt was at school. Of course someone was going to try to hook up with Kurt while he was at school. In Blaine's eyes he was the most beautiful boy in the world and he knew that others would think that as well. _

_"Because," Blaine explained. "You're going to be going off at college getting ready to start your own life, and you'll meet so many new people and, Kurt, you're beautiful. Someone is bound to come onto you, and I'm just worried you'll go with them and forget about me."_

_Kurt felt himself soften. "I'm not going to forget about you. If anyone does come onto me I'll push them away, I promise." He strung his fingers with Blaine's. "Don't worry about that, okay?"_

_Blaine nodded. "Okay."_

_They started to walk again. Kurt mulled over what Blaine had just said in his mind. To tell the truth, Kurt was worrying about the same thing. With him being gone for so long, Blaine might get lonely, and if he got lonely Kurt was worried that he'd hook up with someone. The thought of his boyfriend sleeping with someone else without Kurt knowing had been haunting him, and that thought really hurt._

_"I was worrying about that too," Kurt finally said. "I thought that you being away from me might make you want to…go with somebody else. I didn't think you'd really do that, but I still worried about it."_

_"I'd never do that to you." Blaine assured him._

_"I know." Kurt sighed. "I shouldn't worry about it. And I promise I'd never do that to you either."_

_"I know you won't. I trust you."_

_"I trust you too."_

_Kurt looked absolutely beautiful in the late spring sun; it highlighted his hair and brightened his skin. Blaine felt happy that Kurt was worrying about him cheating behind his back too. It showed that Kurt was scared of losing him, just like he was scared of losing Kurt. _

_Blaine pulled Kurt off to the side of the path and pressed him against a tree, letting his lips gently glide over Kurt's cheek. "I love you, Kurt."_

_"I love you, too." There was no one on the park path at the moment, so Kurt was okay with what Blaine was doing. Blaine's lips slid down Kurt's throat and Kurt stretched his neck up while keeping watch of the path. He felt Blaine's hands travel south and felt him tug on his pants. Kurt realized what he was doing._

_"No, not here," Kurt said, trying to push Blaine's hands away, but Blaine refused to budge._

_"It's okay," Blaine said, kissing Kurt on the cheek. "No one will see anything."_

_Kurt sighed and let Blaine push his hand down. Blaine pressed his body into Kurt's, peppering his throat with kisses, working his hand inside Kurt's pants. Kurt let out a low moan and closed his eyes, but opened them when he heard somebody coming down the path. He tried to push Blaine away._

_"Somebody's coming."_

_"So?"_

_"We can't do this here. Stop."_

_"They'll just think we're kissing."_

_"I said stop."_

_Blaine pulled away slightly and took his hand out of Kurt's pants. The woman walking by gave them the most disgusted stare and disappeared down the path. Blaine looked back at Kurt, who was zipping up his pants. _

_"Let's go," Kurt mumbled to Blaine, tugging on his hand. _

_That woman's look really got to Kurt. Whenever he's with Blaine and they're holding hands or kissing in public, there's always someone who stares them down like they're the two grossest creatures in the world. _

_Blaine noticed Kurt wasn't himself. "What's wrong?"_

_Kurt shook his head. "It's nothing."_

_Kurt always did this. Blaine would notice something was wrong and try to talk to Kurt about it, but Kurt always pushed him away. Blaine decided not to push and they walked out of the park and towards Kurt's house. Just as they were about to enter Kurt's neighborhood, Kurt stopped and took both of Blaine's hands in his, staring into his eyes. "I love you, and I don't care what anybody else thinks."_

_Blaine realized what had been troubling Kurt. It was that woman's stare back at the park. Her look must have made Kurt feel bad about himself and about him being with Blaine. It made Blaine feel bad too, but he didn't let it get to him as much as Kurt did. At least Kurt finally realized that what other people thought didn't affect them. They could be together if they wanted to. Noting was stopping them. _

_Blaine just smiled and said, "I love you, too." He pulled Kurt into him, his hands running down the curve of Kurt's back. The sun was beginning to set, casting the sky in orange and pink. Blaine pulled Kurt in closer, felt him breathing against him, felt the beautiful warmth of his body against his. "I love you so much."_

* * *

Kurt pushes the front door open as quietly as he can, hoping that no one intercepts him before he can sneak up to his room. He tries to close the door without making a sound behind him, but only a few seconds after the door locks Kurt hears his father call his name from the living room.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"Come into the living room."

Kurt touches his nose, knowing that it must be red and swollen by now. Hopefully his father won't notice.

He goes into the living room where Burt and Carole are sitting on the couch watching TV. Burt looks up at his son. "Did you have fun shopping with your friends?"

"Yeah."

"Did you buy anything?"

Kurt shakes his head.

"Oh."

His father turns back to the TV and Kurt stands awkwardly behind the couch. He's exhausted and his nose still aches. All he wants to do is crawl into bed and sleep. "I'm going to go to bed now," Kurt pipes up.

"All right," Burt says. "I'll be up soon to say goodnight."

Kurt goes upstairs to his room and gets changed for bed. He puts on his favorite pair of sweatpants that were originally Blaine's. He gave them to Kurt one night when Kurt slept over his house, and he said Kurt could keep them. He throws on a white t-shirt, which was also Blaine's once. He left it at Kurt's house when he spent the night one time, and Kurt didn't give it back. Kurt gets in bed and pulls the covers up to his chin, staring at his phone siting on his nightstand next to him, just waiting for it to go off with a text message from Blaine.

"Kurt?"

Burt comes into the room and sees his son lying in bed. He goes over to his bedside and kneels down. "Are you feeling okay?"

Kurt feels like absolute shit, but he nods his head. Burt studies his son and notices how swollen his nose is.

"What happened to your nose?"

Kurt doesn't want to tell his father what really happened, so he says, "I—I bumped into something at the mall. It's fine."

Burt notices how vague Kurt's story is and doesn't buy it one bit. "Okay, now tell me what really happened."

Kurt sighs, unable to come up with a better lie. "Someone hit me."

Burt's eyes widen. "What? Who hit you?"

"Someone from school. They were drunk. It's fine, Dad."

"No, it's not fine," Burt says, his tone serious. "I don't care if they were drunk. No one is allowed to hit you."

"Dad, please. I'm fine. It's just a little sore, that's all."

Burt doesn't want to let it go, but he can tell Kurt doesn't want to get into it anymore. He decides to let it go, just this once. "Okay, but if it happens again I'm going to do something about it, I swear." He gently touches Kurt's swollen nose and Kurt flinches. "I don't think it's broken, but I'm going to take you to the doctor anyway, just to be safe. Do you want me to get some ice for it?"

"No thanks. It's fine."

Burt can clearly see through the fake façade Kurt has going on, assuring him that he's fine, keeping his face as blank as he can, when really he's aching deep down. Burt takes his son's hand in his. "Tell me how you're really feeling."

"I'm fine."

"Kurt."

Kurt sighs and gives in. "I feel terrible."

"Talk to me, Kurt."

If Kurt tells his father what is really bugging him, there is no way in hell that he's going to believe him. He hears his dead boyfriend's voice calling his name at night and receives text messages from him. But what if Kurt showed his father the text messages? Maybe he would believe him? Having someone else see them might help let Kurt know he isn't going insane.

Kurt reaches for his phone and opens up the messages and shows them to his father. Burt squints at the screen.

"I don't understand."

"I got these after the accident." Kurt points to the date each of them was sent. "And I've been hearing a voice."

"A voice?"

"Blaine's voice. I heard him say my name tonight."

Burt sighs. Kurt is really losing it now. "Kurt, you've been under a lot of stress."

He doesn't believe him. Even after showing him the messages, he doesn't believe him. "I'm not crazy, Dad. I _did_ hear him, and these messages are from him."

"Someone probably got a hold of his phone and they're messing with you. I'm sorry."

"I thought that too, but I heard his voice say my name. I swear, Dad."

Burt doesn't know what to do. Should he take Kurt to see a psychologist? Speaking to a professional would help, and hopefully Kurt would stop hearing things. And it's obvious someone got a hold of Blaine's phone. Burt can block the number, and then that problem would be taken care of.

"Kurt," Burt says, giving his son's hand a comforting squeeze. "I'm going to take you to see a professional. They'll help you get through this."

Kurt bolts up in bed. "I'm not crazy!"

"I'm not saying you are. But I'm really worried about you, Kurt, and I think talking to someone will help." Burt runs his fingers through Kurt's hair, trying to calm him down. "You're not crazy, just stressed and upset after what happened. It's normal to feel this way, but I don't want you to have to suffer anymore. I promise you'll feel better after you talk to a doctor."

Kurt nods, taking in what his father is saying, that the voice is just from stress and the texts are from some jackass messing with him. Kurt takes a deep breath and feels slightly better. "Thanks, Dad."

"I just want you to feel better. This whole thing has been traumatic, I know." He takes Kurt in his arms and hugs him close. "And if you ever need to talk I'm always here for you. I love you so much, Kurt."

Kurt hugs his father back, locking his arms around his neck and resting his chin on his shoulder. "I love you too."

Burt lets go of his son. "We'll be up for a little longer watching TV. If you need me at any time during the night just wake me up."

"Okay."

Burt gets up and goes over to Kurt's bedroom door. "Goodnight," he says.

"Goodnight," Kurt says back and his father shuts his bedroom door.

Kurt doesn't turn his light off right away and his eyes dart around his room, waiting to hear that voice again. It doesn't come and he lets out a sigh of relief. He turns off his light and settles in bed, pushing the covers of his bed down to his feet, letting his mind slowly blank out as he drifts off to sleep.

_"Kurt."_

Kurt's eyes snap open and his heart pounds faster. _It's all in my head, _he tells himself. _It's not real._

_"Kurt."_

But he heard the voice as clear as day.

"Stop," Kurt moans. "Please."

_"Kurt."_

Tears spring from his eyes. "What do you want?" he pleads. He feels something move down his side, like fingers caressing him. He remembers that feeling, when he'd lie on his side with Blaine behind him and he ran his fingertips down Kurt's bare side. Kurt closes his eyes in the dark and lets out a tired sigh. He can almost feel the warmth of Blaine's skin on his, of his breath hot on the back of his neck. He can almost hear him breathing behind him, feel the weight of his arm around him. A tear rolls down Kurt's cheek and the corner of his mouth turns up into a smile. _"Blaine," _Kurt breathes.

But after he says that it stops. The feeling of Blaine with him evaporates. Kurt feels utterly alone. Blaine was never there, but he _felt _him. If he tells this to his father he won't believe him and will send Kurt straight to a psychologist.

But he _felt _him. He heard his voice and felt his touch. It all felt so real. Kurt doesn't know what to do. He loves the moments of pure bliss when it feels like Blaine is back with him, but it's torturing him at the same time and he wants it to stop.

Kurt pulls his blankets over him. Even though the summer night is warm, Kurt feels dead cold. Every night is going to be like this, hearing his name called over and over by that voice he loves, being touched and caressed just like how Blaine used to, but then having it sharply stop, like it never happened.


	5. Chapter Five

[A/N: WARNING: THIS CHAPTER TALKS ABOUT SUICIDE. So I've decided to build a storyline with the one bully that I made to add more backstory to this and make it more than just the accident that's bothering Kurt. Sorry for the flashback within a flashback, hopefully it's not confusing. I promise this story has a happy ending!]

Kurt concentrates on the rhythm of his heels slapping against the pavement of the sidewalk, shutting everything else around him out. His head hurts and his eyes feel heavy from another night of barely any sleep. What happened as he tried to fall asleep last night haunted him until the sun rose, and it's still haunting him as he makes his way through town to the Lima Bean to drop off his finished job application.

He decides to go in and then go right out, just in case Sebastian is in there. He plans to keep his head low, hand the application in to whoever is working the counter, and then leave immediately. He can't go through another run-in with Sebastian.

Even though it's a hot summer day, Kurt is wearing a coat and a pair of boots that lace up to his knees. He woke up from a mere hour of sleep shivering. His entire body felt like ice even though his bedroom was like an oven. He didn't feel sick, other than the side effects of pure exhaustion. He doesn't know what's happening to him. He's knows he isn't going insane, because what he felt and heard last night was entirely real.

He reaches the coffee shop and walks up to the counter and takes the application out of his bag. He forces a tired smile onto his face and hands it to the girl working behind the counter.

"Thank you. I'll give this to the manager and he'll give you a call if he's interested."

Kurt nods and thanks her softly. He begins to head out of the coffee shop, keeping his head down as planned, when a familiar voice stops him.

"Hey, stranger."

Kurt looks up at Santana, who is sitting at a table close to the door. He stops at her table and forces another little smile. "Hey."

She gestures for him to take a seat and he sits down in the chair directly across from her. She grips the paper coffee cup in front of her and crosses her legs. "How are you doing? I haven't heard from you." She's sent Kurt a few texts since it happened, asking him if he was okay and if he needed anything. He didn't respond to any of them, and she eventually just stopped texting him.

Kurt's eyes stray from hers and he sighs. "I know. I've been avoiding everyone. I'm all right though."

Santana raises an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

Kurt nods. "I am," he assures her.

Santana nods, pretending to believe him. She runs her finger along the lid of her cup. "Britt is here too. She just ran to the bathroom." Kurt's eyes keep darting around the coffee shop, checking to make sure that Sebastian isn't there. Santana notices how edgy he is. "You're lying. What's up?"

Kurt glues his eyes down to the table. "Nothing. I just—I haven't been sleeping."

She gives a sympathetic nod. "I can't imagine what you're going through. If I ever lost Britt like that knowing that it was my fault, I don't know what I'd do."

Kurt feels his heart drop after she says that. "It wasn't my fault."

"Shit, right. It was the other driver. My bad."

Brittany returns from the bathroom and sees that Kurt is in her spot. "Kurt, get up."

Kurt gets up out of the chair and Brittany sits down. He stands awkwardly to the side of her, his hands clasped in front of him, his eyes still checking every few moments to make sure that Sebastian isn't there.

"I'm sorry I took so long," Brittany says to Santana. "The door locked and I couldn't get out."

"It's all right." Santana places her hand on top of Brittany's, gently caressing her hand with her fingers. Brittany cocks her head and smiles at her. Kurt feels his heart sink, remembering how he and Blaine used to hold hands and look at each other the same way when they came here.

Brittany looks up at Kurt. "I heard what happened. It's really sad."

Kurt nods. "Yeah, I know."

"Did you die too?"

Kurt shakes his head. "No, I didn't."

"Good, because I'm scared of ghosts." She takes a sip of the coffee in front of her and strings her fingers with Santana's.

"We're going to go catch a movie after this," Santana says. "It's a movie Britt has been wanting to see for a while."

"There's a cute kitten in it," Brittany adds. "It reminds me of Lord Tubbington."

Kurt forces a smile. "That sounds fun." He remembers the movie dates he went on with Blaine. They usually sat at the back of the theater and towards the end of the movie they were never paying attention.

"We'd let you come, but we want to go alone." Santana frowns a little. "Sorry, Kurt."

"We could double date," Brittany says. "Lord Tubbington hasn't been out in a while. You two would probably get along."

Kurt smiles a bit at the thought of going on a date with a cat, and he knows that Brittany is completely serious. "That's all right. I think I'm going to leave anyway."

Santana raises an eyebrow at him. "Got plans?"

Kurt has no plans, and probably won't for the rest of the summer, but he nods his head. "Yeah, I'm going out later."

"With who?" Santana grills.

Kurt bites his lip. "I'm not sure yet."

Santana smirks, catching him in his lie. "You don't have any plans." Kurt looks away. "You busy on Saturday?"

Kurt shakes his head. His only Saturday plans were to lie in bed all day, or at least until his father forced him to get up.

"Good. There's a goodbye party one of the football guys is hosting. Britt and I were gonna go. You want to come with us?"

Kurt shrugs. He's not a huge fan of parties and tries to avoid them as much as possible.

"Come on, it'll be fun" Santana urges. "You need to loosen up and get drunk."

Kurt cringes when she says that. A drunk person killed his boyfriend. There is no way he's ever going to let himself get drunk.

"I don't drink," he tells her.

"Well then loosen up at least. Maybe you'll meet somebody there. It's not just people from our school that are going. So there's a chance."

"I'll think about it."

"Good. Let me know and I'll pick you up."

But Kurt shakes his head. He refuses to get inside a car, and since they're driving to and from a party, there's bound to be an abundance of drunk kids out on the road that night. "That's okay. I'll walk."

"Suit yourself." Santana finishes her coffee. "Come on, the movie is going to start soon."

They get up and throw their cups away. Santana turns to Kurt. "Text me when you've made up your mind. You should say yes." She links her arm with Brittany's.

"Bye, Kurt," Brittany says. "You should really consider dating Lord Tubbington. He's lonely just like you."

After they leave the coffee shop, Kurt sits down in the chair that Brittany was sitting in and holds his head in his hands. He's not entirely sure about the party. He kind of wants to go, just to get out some and have a little fun before he starts college. But the thing that bothers him most is the load of drunk people that will be driving home afterwards. Who knows how many of them will even make it home?

If Kurt goes he will refuse to drink. He doesn't know how sociable he'll be because he doesn't know many people from school outside of the glee club. He'll go so he can finally feel as though he's regaining his life back. But he can't tell his father that he's going to a party. He's going to have to lie and say he's meeting with some of his friends and they're hanging out at one of their houses for the night. He hates the thought of lying to his father, but he's going to have to do it.

He gets out his phone and sends Santana a text.

_[Kurt] – I'll go. What's the address?_

He sets his phone down on the table in front of him. A few minutes later it vibrates.

_[Santana] – Perfect. Hold on._

The next message he receives is the address. He knows where that is but he doesn't know who's hosting the party.

_[Kurt] – Who's having the party?_

_[Santana] – Some guy named Tyler from the football team. Britt knows him._

Kurt feels his stomach drop. It's the same guy who gave him a swollen nose the night before. He can't go now, not if the party is going to be hosted by someone who deeply hates him.

_[Kurt] – I can't go. Sorry._

_[Santana] –Why not?_

_[Kurt] – I know him. He doesn't like me._

He leaves out what happened last night intentionally. He doesn't want Santana to know that he was beaten up by him.

_[Santana] – If he tries to hurt you or do anything to you let me know and I'll get him._

Kurt sighs and texts her back.

_[Kurt] – Fine. I'll go._

_[Santana] – You won't regret it, I promise._

Kurt feels like he probably will. He puts his phone in his pocket and is about to leave when another familiar voice stops him, a familiar voice he was dreading hearing the entire time he was here.

"Well, well, well."

Oh god no. Kurt should have expected him to be here. He turns in his seat to face Sebastian standing only a few feet away from his chair. That stupid smirk is stretched across his face as usual. "Alone again I see, Hummel."

Kurt stands up to face Sebastian. "I see you're alone too. Like always."

The smirk fades from his face and Sebastian's eyes narrow. "At least I didn't kill my boyfriend."

Even though Kurt is used to Sebastian saying nasty stuff to him, what he just said really cut though him like a blade. Kurt pushes past him, intentionally knocking his shoulder into Sebastian's and mumbles, _"Go to hell."_ He escapes out the door and walks as fast as he can down the sidewalk, checking over his shoulder to make sure that Sebastian isn't following him. When he sees that he isn't, Kurt stops and steps off to the side so that he's out of everybody else's way.

He leans against a building and stares down at the sidewalk. He takes a deep breath and tells himself that it wasn't his fault. It was the other driver. There was no possible way he could have prevented the accident from happening. It was rainy and he could barely see and the other car came out of nowhere. There was no way he could have saved Blaine, but he didn't kill him.

_"It was an accident,"_ Kurt whispers to himself.

His phone vibrates in his pocket and he jumps slightly. As he takes out his phone he can feel his heart beating like crazy and his hand shakes as he reads the message.

_[Blaine] – Remember I_

Kurt closes his eyes and leans his head back against the brick wall of the building behind him. This can't be a prank. If it was then why would the culprit send him messages that make absolutely no sense? He thinks it's really Blaine communicating with him from the dead.

This time Kurt decides to text him back.

_[Kurt] – Remember what?_

It seems as though hours pass by as Kurt stares at his phone screen. He's about to send another message, but he stops himself. This entire thing is pure torture. He wants to take his phone and smash it against the ground and scream and cry and beg for the voices and the touching to stop because he can't take this anymore. He's starting to consider suicide as a desperate way to escape it all.

He tries to shake the thought out of his head. But then he thinks, _if I kill myself, then I'll get to be with Blaine. All of this pain would be gone, and I'll have him back._

His family and friends come into his mind. If he kills himself, then it's going to affect all of them. His father would be devastated, his friends would have lost another person that they were close to. It's a selfish move, but Kurt really wants to do it. And this isn't the first time he's seriously thought about going through with suicide.

But it's the only way he can escape, and he has to do it.

* * *

_Kurt gripped the paper coffee cup anxiously and crossed his legs underneath the table. He bit down on his lip, a bad habit that he always did when he was nervous, something that Blaine had taken note of. He looked at Kurt from across the table, sensing something was wrong._

_"Kurt?" Kurt looked up from his coffee cup and at Blaine. "What's wrong?"_

_But Kurt shook him off. "It's nothing."_

_But it was something. Earlier while he was walking through the school to the parking lot to meet Blaine, something happened. The hallway was empty, or so it seemed. Kurt was walking as fast as he could, keeping to the right of the hallway, when he heard footsteps. He didn't bother looking up and assumed that it was a teacher or a student staying after school. The next thing he knew his shoulder hit the locker next to him and an agonizing pain shot through it._

_"Hey, homo."_

_Kurt recognized that voice right away. Hands seized his shoulders and slammed him into the locker again. _

_"Where are you going?"_

_It was Tyler, a guy from the football team that had been harassing Kurt since the beginning of freshman year. Kurt grew used to all of the bullying until it eventually died down at the beginning of senior year. But there were still times when this guy ruthlessly bullied him. He didn't know when to expect it, and whenever it happened there were no witnesses around._

_When Kurt didn't reply Tyler jerked him forward and slammed him back into the locker. Kurt groaned and felt pain zap through his entire body._

_"I said where are you going?"_

_"Home," Kurt moaned, but it was a lie. He was going to met Blaine and they were going to hangout after school._

_Tyler jerked him back and forth again._

_"Stop it!" Kurt yelled, hoping that somebody heard him and would rush to the rescue, but of course no one came._

_"How about no." He jerked him again and something inside Kurt snapped._

_Kurt shoved him as hard as he could and Tyler stumbled backwards, surprised by Kurt's strength. "What's your problem?" Kurt shouted. "I never did anything to you! Why do you keep doing this?"_

_Tyler's eyes narrowed on him. "Fuck you!" he spit and threw his fist at Kurt. Kurt dodged it and took a few steps back. "I hate you! You should have killed yourself junior year. You said you were, but you didn't."_

_Kurt's eyes widened._

_"Why didn't you do it?"_

_Kurt remembered junior year. The beginning of it was terrible. Tyler and Karofsky both made school pure hell for him. Kurt's father knew about it and he tried to get the bullying to stop, but it was so bad that Kurt decided to transfer schools. He transferred to Dalton Academy because he knew someone that went there. He felt so much better at that school with Blaine._

_But he decided to eventually go back to his old school. He missed his friends, and by then he and Blaine were together. Blaine understood and Kurt went back. They saw each other as much as they could during the rest of that year, and at the beginning of Kurt's senior year Blaine transferred to McKinley to be with Kurt because he couldn't stand to be away from him._

_Karofsky didn't bully Kurt anymore, but Tyler continued to torment him._

_But back to how Kurt almost committed suicide. It was the beginning of junior year, the way beginning, before he met Blaine. Kurt was hoping that that year would be different. He told himself he was going to be braver and not let the bullying take over him. But it got so out of hand with Tyler. All the shoving, the sexual harassment, the name-calling._

_One day it was so bad that Kurt couldn't take it anymore._

_It was after school. Tyler had him hanging by the throat against a locker, calling him a fag, homo, waste of life, everything foul name that popped into his head. He jerked Kurt into the locker several times, even punched him in the face. Kurt's nose was bleeding and his ego hurt. Tyler saw how broken Kurt was. He leaned in and hissed, "You know how to get this to stop. Kill yourself. No one likes you, not even the people in your little singing club. Kill yourself and it'll all be over."_

_He slammed Kurt into the locker again. Kurt was crying and Tyler soaked it all up. He loved making someone else feel like shit only to make himself feel better about his own life. Tyler's grip around Kurt's throat tightened. "Do it."_

_Kurt looked him in the eyes and saw nothing but pure hatred. He'd been bullied all his life about being gay, but at that moment the bullying was at a pinnacle. Not once did anyone that bullied him tell him to kill himself, until then._

_Kurt couldn't believe what came out of his mouth next. "Okay," he said faintly._

_"What?" Tyler heard him, but he wanted to make him say it again._

_"I said I'd do it."_

_A wide grin spread across Tyler's face. "Good." He jerked Kurt against the locker again and Kurt collapsed to the floor. "You deserve it." And with that he left him. _

_Kurt stayed curled on the floor until he finally found the strength to get up to walk home. The entire time he walked home he thought about suicide, how he was going to do it, what the note that he would leave behind would say. But when he reached his house and saw his family, he decided against it. He had a good life. His family loved him; he knew his friends loved him. He was a good person and he knew he could get somewhere in life. _

_As Kurt stood in front of Tyler, he remembered something his father always told him: You matter. Why didn't Kurt kill himself at the beginning of junior year? He looked Tyler in the eyes and said, "Because I matter." And he walked away. _

_"Kurt?" Kurt came back to reality and looked up at Blaine. "What's wrong?"_

_Kurt stared down at his coffee cup and ran his finger along the lid. "This guy who has been bullying me since I entered high school." He shrugged. "It's okay."_

_The only person that Blaine knew that bullied Kurt was Karofsky. "It's not okay, Kurt. Is it Karofsky?"_

_Kurt shook his head. "No."_

_"Do you want to talk about it?"_

_Kurt didn't want to talk about it, but he knew that Blaine wouldn't let him stay silent about it. Kurt surrendered. "Okay, but can we go outside?" Kurt didn't want to talk about it in a crowded place. Blaine agreed and they walked outside until they came to a bench not too far from the coffee shop, but secluded enough so that they had privacy._

_"What happened?" Blaine asked._

_Kurt began to bite his lip again. "I ran into that guy today after school."_

_"What did he do to you?"_

_"He jerked me into a locker, called me a homo, the usual."_

_It hurt Blaine to discover that his boyfriend was being harassed and he had no idea it was going on. If he knew he would have done something. "You should tell someone."_

_"I've suffered through it for over three years. I think I can handle a few more months." Kurt took a deep breath. "I thought about killing myself at the beginning of junior year."_

_Blaine's eyes widened. "What?"_

_"He told me to do it junior year, and I said I would. I was just—I didn't know what to do. I didn't think it would stop, and it was the first time anyone who had bullied me told me to kill myself. And he asked me today why I didn't go through with it." Kurt sighed and stared down at his hands in his lap. "It was before I met you." He looked at Blaine. "But I didn't do it. I thought of my family and friends, and I told myself I was going to be something in life." His eyes strayed from Blaine's. "I wrote my suicide note in my mind when I was walking home that day."_

_Blaine could feel Kurt's pain. He understood how it felt to want to end it all because of a bully. "I'm so sorry." Blaine took Kurt's hand in his. "I understand how that feels. I've been bullied before countless times. I thought about suicide too." Kurt looked at him. "But you shouldn't suffer through it. I want you to tell someone."_

_"It's okay," Kurt assured him. "I'll be fine. I'm not suicidal anymore. I haven't been since I met you."_

_"Next time he hurts you tell me, and I swear I'll kick his ass," Blaine said._

_Kurt grinned. "Okay."_

_Blaine knew Kurt thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. "I'm serious, Kurt."_

_Kurt's grin faded. "I don't want you to get hurt."_

_"And I don't want you to get hurt. Tell me next time he hurts you."_

_Kurt nodded and squeezed Blaine's hand. "I will."_

_And Blaine kept his word. They were walking down the hallway together at school. Kurt didn't see him coming. Tyler shoved Kurt into the cement wall and Kurt cried out from the surprise and the fresh pain in his shoulder. Tyler started to walk away, howling with laughter. That was the first time Tyler ever struck in front of Blaine. _

_Seeing his boyfriend so vulnerable made Blaine snap. He grabbed Tyler's arm and spun him around. "Don't you dare touch him."_

_Tyler was shocked at first, but then he burst out into laughter. "Are you this homo's little boyfriend?"_

_Blaine shoved him. "Don't you dare touch him ever again."_

_Tyler's laughter died and he glared at Blaine. "Fine. But I wouldn't touch him. I'm not a fag like you." He stormed away and Blaine went over to Kurt, who watched the scene play out in front of him, leaning against the wall on his aching shoulder._

_Blaine put his arm around Kurt. "Are you okay?"_

_Kurt rubbed his shoulder. "I'm fine." He looked Blaine in the eyes. "Thank you."_

_"Of course." He took Kurt's hand in his. "I hope he leaves you alone."_

_Kurt sighed. "Me too."_

_Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand. "You know I'm always here for you, Kurt." _

_Kurt nodded and a smile found its way onto his face. "I know. I'm here for you too."_

_Blaine smiled back. "I love you."_

_Kurt leaned against Blaine's side as they walked down the hallway with their finger strung together. "I love you too."_

* * *

"Hey, Kurt."

Kurt closes the front door behind him and turns to face his father. Right away Burt sees the hurt look on Kurt's face. He's grown used to seeing his son constantly depressed. He's praying that visiting the psychologist will help him to feel better. "Come here." Kurt goes over to his father and Burt wraps his arm around him. "I want to take you to the doctor to look at your nose. I just want to be sure it's okay."

"How are we getting there?" Kurt asks, his voice so faint that his father has to strain in order to hear him.

"I'm driving you there."

Kurt steps away from his father and shakes his head. "I'm not getting in a car."

Burt sighs. "Kurt, I promise everything will be okay. You'll be safe."

But Kurt keeps shaking his head. "I'm not getting in."

"You know I'd never let anything happen to you."

"I won't get in."

"Kurt—"

"My nose is fine." He looks up at his father, begging with his eyes. "I'm not ready to be back inside a car."

Burt nods his head understandingly. "All right. We won't go." He takes a long hard look at his son "Do you need to talk?"

Kurt feels so dead inside. The entire walk home he thought about suicide. Half of him wants to go through with it, thinking that once he's dead he'll be with Blaine on the other side and all of this pain will be gone and he won't have to suffer any longer. But half of him doesn't want to do it, because he'll be throwing his entire life away and his friends and family, especially his father, would be devastated that he's gone. He would apologize for doing it in his suicide note, assuring his father that it wasn't his fault and that he wanted to do it. He wants to kill himself, or he thinks he does. He doesn't know if he's making a huge mistake by going through with it.

"Dad? Would you miss me if I'm gone?"

It comes out so faintly but Burt catches it. He firmly grips Kurt's shoulders. "Of course I would. Why are you asking that?"

Kurt can't look him in the eyes. Burt assumes he knows what Kurt is thinking about but he prays it isn't true. "Kurt, please tell me you wouldn't do that. You better not be thinking about that." When Kurt doesn't look at or answer him Burt squeezes his shoulders tighter. "Kurt, talk to me."

"I'm sorry," Kurt cries. "Yes, I'm thinking about that."

"Oh god." Burt pulls Kurt into him, holding him close. "No, Kurt, please don't think about that, _please."_ His father's voice is trembling, like he is on the verge of tears. "I love you so much. You're going to get through this, I promise. Please stop thinking about that. I can't lose you, Kurt."

Kurt feels terrible and hates himself for even considering suicide. Now his father is distraught that the horrible idea even crossed Kurt's mind. He can't do it, not if it's going to tear his father completely apart. Kurt loves his father more than anything in the world.

"I'm sorry, Dad," Kurt says. "I won't do it, I swear."

Burt takes Kurt's face in his hands and looks him right in the eyes. "I'm taking you to a psychologist tomorrow morning. We'll walk there if you want, but you're going as soon as possible, and I'm not leaving you alone until you've spoken to the doctor and told me you're feeling better. Tell the doctor that you're feeling suicidal. You better tell him."

"I will. I promise."

"Good." Burt heads for the kitchen. "I'm going to make an appointment for tomorrow morning and I'm gong to tell them it's urgent."

Kurt nods. "Okay."

Burt gestures for Kurt to follow him. "I'm not leaving you alone. After I make the call we're going to spend the rest of the day together." Kurt sits down at the kitchen table while his father goes over to the phone. "We'll do whatever you want, okay?"

"Can we stay home?" Kurt asks.

"Yeah," Burt says as he flips through the phonebook in search of the psychologist's number. "How about I order a pizza and we'll rent a movie? You want to do that?"

Kurt gives his father a small smile. "I do."

"And you're not sleeping alone either. I'm staying in your room tonight."

"Okay."

Burt picks up the phone and is about to dial the number, but before he does he looks over at his son. "I love you so much, Kurt."

Kurt nods. "I know. I love you too."

Burt motions for Kurt to come over to him. Kurt gets up from the chair and goes over to his father who pulls him into his side. He hugs his father as Burt dials the number for the psychologist.

_Everything is going to get better,_ Kurt tells himself. _I'm going to be okay._


	6. Chapter Six

[A/N: Sorry for the lack of updating. School started back up again. And also, the title of this story is based off of the song "Perfect Memory: by Remo Zero, in case anyone was wondering.]

Kurt takes a deep breath and walks out of the psychologist's office and into the waiting room where his father is slouched in a chair reading a magazine. He stops in front of him and Burt looks up at his son.

"How did it go?"

Kurt shrugs. "All right."

Burt puts down the magazine and stands up, leaning in so he can speak to Kurt without anybody else in the waiting room overhearing. "You told him how you were feeling?" Kurt nods. "Did he help you?"

Kurt nods again. "He helped a lot." He takes a deep breath and lets it out with an assuring, "I feel a lot better."

"You don't feel… you know…anymore?" Kurt shakes his head and his father lets out a relieved sigh. "Good. And if you ever do I'll set up another appointment right away." He puts his hand on Kurt's shoulder and squeezes it. "How about we go get some lunch?"

Kurt plasters a smile on his face. "That sounds good."

But really Kurt doesn't feel any better at all. All the psychologist did was sit there and force him to spill the entire story about the accident and his feelings afterwards. Kurt didn't feel comfortable telling the doctor about how depressed he feels and his recent suicidal thoughts, but what he felt the most uncomfortable talking about was the voices. The psychologist told him it was just the aftermath of being incredibly stressed out and distraught, pretty much along the lines of what his father told him. This appointment didn't help Kurt out at all, but he can't tell his father that, or else he'll continue to worry. Kurt wants him to be at ease and think that he is getting better, when really he feels the same shitty way.

They walk to a diner in town and are seated in a booth next to a window overlooking the street. Kurt picks up the menu and his eyes scan the entrees, but nothing catches his eye. He's not that hungry but he decides to order a burger and fries because he knows his father will be suspicious if he doesn't eat. The waitress comes and sets two glasses of tap water in front of them.

"Hi, I'm Yolanda. Can I start you off with something to drink?"

"Water's fine," Burt says and looks over at Kurt.

Kurt looks up at the waitress. "I'll just have water too."

"All right," Yolanda says. "Do you need more time or are you ready to order?"

"I'm ready," Burt says and looks over at Kurt again. "How about you?" Kurt nods his head and Burt turns back to the waitress. "I'm going to have the burger and fries." The waitress scratches that down on her notepad and turns to Kurt.

Kurt hands her his menu. "I'll have the same."

She finishes scribbling down their orders on her notepad and takes both of their menus. "All right. Should be ready soon." She leaves the two of them alone. Kurt looks out the window at the people passing by on the sidewalk just outside.

Burt looks across the table at his son. "You should apply here for a job too. They're hiring."

Kurt looks at his father and nods. "Okay." He realizes this is the perfect time to tell his father about going out Friday night, except he'll leave out some major details. He bites his lip and his heart races because he despises lying, especially to his father. "I'm going out Friday night."

His father raises his eyebrows. "You are?"

"I'm—I'm going out to dinner and a movie with Mercedes." The lie just rolls off his tongue and right after he says it he feels absolutely terrible, but he can't tell his father what his real plans are.

"Good," Burt says. "You need to get out." He takes a sip of his water. "That sounds like fun."

"Yeah, it should be fun." Kurt bites down harder on his lip and Burt notices. He knows it's a bad habit Kurt does whenever he's nervous. He decides to let it slip by, assuming Kurt is still a little nervous after seeing the psychologist.

"What movie are you going to see?"

Kurt feels his stomach drop. He doesn't know any movies currently playing. If he picks a random movie his father will know for sure that he's lying. "Um…we haven't decided yet."

Burt nods his head, allowing Kurt's lies to blow right by him unknowingly. Kurt never lies and Burt trusts his son. Kurt feels really bad for taking advantage of his father's trust, but he needs to go to the party. He needs to get out and have a little fun, anything to take his mind off of everything happening.

Their food arrives and the entire time they eat guilt bites at Kurt, but he tries to swallow it and tells himself that he needs to do this for himself.

* * *

_Burt could hear the moans and groans coming through his son's bedroom door. Of course he wasn't going to just barge in. He respected Kurt's privacy, but still he worried about him. He knew how much Kurt liked Blaine, maybe even loved him, and he was afraid that Kurt's feelings would eventually be shattered by this boy. Burt knew that they lost their virginity, and probably did the same many times after. He just didn't want Kurt to become so emotionally invested in this relationship that when it cracked, he would too._

_"Kurt?" Burt knocked on Kurt's bedroom door and the noises stopped immediately._

_"Shit," Kurt mumbled, his legs were still straddling Blaine and his lips were hovering just above his. He buttoned up his shirt and zipped up his pants before he got off him. "Yeah?"_

_"I need to talk to you."_

_Kurt sighed and looked down at his boyfriend who was struggling to get his shirt back over his head. "Hold on." He helped him get his shirt on and then cracked his bedroom door open enough so that he could poke his head through. Kurt looked at his father. "Yes?"_

_"Finn is out already and Carole and I are going out tonight." Burt tried to peek through the crack of Kurt's door. He could partly see Blaine sitting on Kurt's bed. He lowered his voice. "Is he staying here?"_

_Kurt glanced back at Blaine. "Yeah."_

_"Okay." Burt kept his voice low. "Can I talk to you out here?"_

_Kurt sighed and closed his door behind him. He pressed his back against the door and waited for his father to speak._

_"Look, I don't really want to leave you two alone while we're gone—"_

_"We weren't going to do that," Kurt snapped._

_Burt sighed and put his hands up. "All right. I trust you, Kurt. I just don't want him pressuring you—"_

_"He doesn't pressure me."_

_Burt sighed again. "Okay." He placed a hand on Kurt's shoulder. "I love you, Kurt. I just worry about you."_

_Kurt gave his father a small side smile. "I'm okay, Dad."_

_Burt patted his son's shoulder. "All right. We'll be back around midnight." He gave Kurt a stern look. "Be safe."_

_Kurt nodded. "I know." He bit his lip and his eyes strayed from his father's. Burt knew Kurt felt uncomfortable by the way his face was turning bright red._

_"Have a nice night. I'll see you tomorrow morning." He planted a kiss on his son's forehead before heading downstairs._

_Kurt went back into his room and sat on the edge of his bed next to Blaine._

_"What happened?" Blaine asked._

_"My dad and stepmom are going out tonight. So we'll be alone." Kurt looked over at his boyfriend._

_"Are they leaving now?"_

_Kurt nodded and his eyes went to his lap. He was sitting so close to his boyfriend that he could feel Blaine's thigh pressed against his own. Blaine leaned in closer to Kurt and let his fingertips move up Kurt's thigh. "So what do you want to do now?"_

_Kurt bit his lip and knew what he was suggesting. "Let's wait until they leave." Kurt could hear his father and stepmom downstairs getting ready to leave. He leaned his side against Blaine's. "I'm sorry about that."_

_Blaine put his arm around Kurt. "It's fine." He smiled. "We'll get to be alone now."_

_Kurt smiled back. "Yeah." They both listened until they heard the front door downstairs slam and his father's car's engine rev up. Once they're sure that they were utterly alone, Blaine pulled Kurt in closer. "What do you want to do?"_

_Kurt closed his eyes for a moment. "I'm really tired. Can we lie down?"_

_"Sure." They both lied down on Kurt's bed with their noses barely touching. Blaine stroked Kurt's cheek with his fingertips and Kurt closed his eyes. He kissed the tip of Kurt's nose and whispered, "You're so beautiful."_

_Kurt smiled and looked into Blaine's amber eyes. "You are too." Blaine smiled back and ran his hand down Kurt's side. Kurt closed his eyes again and let himself relax, concentrating on the gentle feeling of Blaine's hand gliding down his body. He felt Blaine's lips lightly brush against his own._

_"I love you," Blaine whispered against Kurt's lips._

_"I love you too." Kurt nuzzled his nose into the side of Blaine's neck. He loved that part of him; it was soft and warm and made him feel safe. He placed his hand on Blaine's side and let out a tired sigh. "This is nice."_

_"It is." Blaine let his hand slide down Kurt's stomach and cup his crotch. Blaine looked at Kurt who gave him a tired smile, the same smile he gave him right before they had their first time._

_Blaine rubbed his palm against him and Kurt closed his eyes, letting out a soft moan. He moved his hips along with Blaine's hand. Blaine nuzzled into Kurt's neck and Kurt lifted his chin as Blaine began to bite the soft, pale skin on his neck. Kurt whimpered and Blaine licked the sore spot to help sooth it. Both of his hands dove for the button on Kurt's jeans, but Kurt pulled away._

_"I'm really tired. I don't want to do that now."_

_Blaine tried to hide his disappointment and took Kurt's chin between his fingers. "I can't help it. You're so beautiful and sexy I can't keep my hands off of you."_

_Kurt smiled and pecked Blaine on the lips. "I'm sorry. I want to, but I'm really tired."_

_"Why are you so tired?"_

_Kurt sighed. "Just a really long day at school. That's all." He kept quiet about the huge, fresh bruise on his shoulder and how he was slammed into a locker earlier and called hurtful names. The bullying had been getting so bad that it was keeping him up at night with knots of dread tied in his stomach._

_Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt. "At least it's Friday. You have the whole weekend to relax."_

_Kurt nodded. "Yeah, that's true." He bit his lip. He hated lying to Blaine, but he didn't want to say what was really bothering him._

_"Do you want to lie down some more, or we could watch a movie and I can make you something to eat?"_

_Kurt smiled. "That sounds nice." He stretched out his legs. "I want to lie down a little longer, and then we can watch a movie in the living room."_

_Blaine nodded and held Kurt closer. "Okay." He kissed Kurt's forehead and pulled him into his chest. ""Just close your eyes and relax."_

_Kurt closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into Blaine's chest so he could hear the steady beating of his heart. Blaine ran his fingers down Kurt's back. "Are you comfortable?"_

_Kurt nodded against his chest. Blaine continued to stroke Kurt, and eventually his fingers went to Kurt's bruised shoulder. Kurt winced under his touch and Blaine noticed. "What's wrong?"_

_"Nothing. I'm fine."_

_Blaine touched his shoulder again and Kurt whimpered. He quickly withdrew his hand. "Kurt. Does something hurt?"_

_"Just my shoulder," Kurt explained. "I—I got hit with a locker. It was an accident."_

_Blaine looked at him with concerned eyes. "Will you let me see it? I want to make sure it's not bad."_

_"Okay." Kurt let Blaine unbutton his shirt and put it so the side. He slid off the t-shirt that Kurt was wearing underneath and sat up so he could get a better view of his shoulder. The bruise was dark and about the size of a quarter. Blaine touched it lightly but pulled his hand back when Kurt whimpered again._

_"I'm sorry." He lied back down and ran his fingers through Kurt's hair. "That's a pretty bad bruise." He placed a kiss on the tip of Kurt's nose. "I wish I could make it better."_

_"It'll heal soon," Kurt assured him._

_"I hope so." Blaine held his boyfriend close, running his fingers down Kurt's bare skin, being sure not to touch his shoulder. He leaned in and whispered in Kurt's ear, "I love you."_

_Kurt held him tighter and felt Blaine's hand travel down his bare stomach to his waist. "I know you're tired," Blaine said against his ear. "But I want you naked. I promise I won't do anything other than touch you." He kissed the top of Kurt's head. "Is that okay?"_

_"Yeah," Kurt breathed. Blaine kissed him again and reached down to slip off Kurt's jeans. He gave Kurt a deep, long kiss as he shed his underwear. Blaine gripped Kurt's bare hips and pulled them into his own. He kissed the soft spot on the side of Kurt's neck that he loved to kiss; the spot that always turned Kurt on. Kurt groaned and stretched his neck up as Blaine began to suck on his skin. He felt himself harden, and Blaine could feel it too. "Blaine, please," Kurt begged._

_"I'm sorry, baby. I just really want you now." His hand trailed down between Kurt's legs. "And I know you want me too." He paused to give Kurt a soft kiss. "I just want to make you feel good after having a bad day." His hand began to gently stroke Kurt's length. "I want you to close your eyes and relax, and I'm going to make you feel amazing." _

_He reached over Kurt and searched through his nightstand drawer until he found what he was looking for. Kurt watched him rub the lube on his hand. Blaine leaned down and locked Kurt's lips in an embrace with his own, his hand working between Kurt's legs. Kurt moaned into his mouth and ran his fingers through Blaine's hair. Blaine's hand worked faster and Kurt moved his hips along with his hand._

_"How do you feel now?" Blaine murmured into Kurt's ear._

_"Amazing," Kurt breathed. "You always make me feel so good."_

_Blaine smiled and kissed him. "I'm glad I can." He kept working Kurt until he came. Kurt panted until his breathing finally evened. Blaine held him close. "Do you feel better?"_

_"I do. Thank you."_

_Blaine grinned. "It was my pleasure." He sat up and looked down at his boyfriend lying on the bed. "Do you want me to let you rest for a little?"_

_Kurt nodded. "I do, but stay with me."_

_"Okay." Blaine took the blanket that was folded at the foot of Kurt's bed and draped it around Kurt before lying next to him again. He took Kurt in his arms and pressed his forehead against his. He gently caressed Kurt's back until he noticed his breathing grew steadier and he didn't make a sound. _

_Kurt looked so beautiful and peaceful as he slept. Blaine watched him until he felt his own eyes begin to close. He relaxed against Kurt and felt himself slowly off drift of as well. But before he fell asleep, he pressed a kiss against Kurt's forehead and whispered, "I love you." _

* * *

Kurt runs his fingers over the cool marble of his boyfriend's headstone. He takes a deep breath as he stares at his name engraved on the front of the stone. He runs his fingers along the capital "B" and then the "L", "A", "I", "N", and "E." He closes his eyes and a tear slips down his face. _"Blaine,"_ he whispers to himself.

Kurt looks up at the clear blue sky. The sun shines down brightly from the heavens above. He knows Blaine is up there somewhere, and he hopes that he can hear him.

"I miss you so much." Kurt sighs and leans his head back against the marble. "Please tell me if it's really you saying my name and sending me these messages. I need to know I'm not going crazy." He takes out his phone and sets it in the grass next to him and looks up at the sky again. "Please, Blaine. I feel like I'm going insane." He closes his eyes and keeps his head pointed up to the warm rays of the sun. _"I need to know it's really you."_

He waits a few minutes, listening for either the voice or the buzz of his phone, but nothing happens. Kurt feels his eyes tear up. "Please, Blaine. Let me know it's really you." But still nothing happens and Kurt breaks down. _"I need to know it's you and that I'm not going insane."_

He lets himself cry in the quiet security of the graveyard. He pulls his knees into his chest and sobs Blaine's name, his entire body heaving. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't believe the voice is going to stop, no matter what his father and the psychologist say the cause of it is. But even though the voice is haunting him and Kurt dreads it, he needs to hear it now. He needs to confirm he isn't going insane, and it's really Blaine's voice he's hearing.

_"Kurt."_

Kurt stops crying and his head snaps up. His eyes scan the graveyard but he sees that he's utterly alone. He straightens his back against the headstone. "Blaine?"

But there's no response. Kurt's breathing quickens and the graveyard blurs. _"Please let me see you. I need to know it's you."_

A gust of wind rustles the leafy branches of the thick woods bordering the cemetery. Kurt shivers and pulls his knees into him, taking shallow breaths. He closes his eyes and tears track down his face.

_"Kurt."_

Kurt opens his eyes and looks behind him in the direction the voice came from, in the woods. His heart stops briefly and his eyes widen. He blinks a few times, unable to believe what he's seeing is real. Standing at the edge of the woods is Blaine, as still as a statue. Kurt stares in awe. His throat closes up so he's unable to speak and his entire body tenses so he's unable to move. But soon the shock melts away.

_"Blaine!"_ Kurt bolts up from the ground, tears sting his eyes and he runs towards his deceased boyfriend. Adrenaline rushes through him as he runs and he stretches out his arm towards him. His speed picks up when Blaine turns and heads into the forest.

_"Blaine!"_ Kurt screams again. He heads into the forest and keeps running until he loses sight of Blaine. His eyes scan the entire forest and they stop when he sees a dot of white not too far up ahead and he immediately realizes it's him. He bolts after him, dodging tree trunks, stumbling over roots, but no matter how fast he runs, he can't catch up to him.

Kurt trips over a root and falls on his hands and knees. When he looks up Blaine is gone.

_"Blaine!"_ Kurt calls, only to be answered by the wind gently blowing through his hair. He sits back and pulls his knees into his chest. _"Blaine."_

The sun is beginning to set and the woods are cast in golden shadows. Kurt curls up on the forest floor, waiting to hear Blaine's voice gently call out his name, waiting for him to appear again. After waiting for what feels like forever, still nothing happens.

Kurt doesn't hold himself back from screaming. He yells and cries, begging for Blaine to come back, to at least say his name or to touch him. It finally feels as though Blaine is close to him again, but yet he's still so far away.

_"Please, come back. I need to see you again,"_ Kurt sobs into his knees. _"I want you to say my name."_ He's only answered by utter silence and it pains him even more. _"Blaine, I need you."_

Nothing.

He lets out another long, painful cry and hugs his knees tighter. The cool summer night begins to set in but Kurt doesn't move. He doesn't have the strength to pick himself up and walk home. He left his phone at Blaine's grave and knows his father's probably calling him now.

He stays curled up, his entire body heaving and shaking from crying so hard. All he wants is to see Blaine one last time, to tell him how sorry he is for what happened and how much he loves him.

_"Kurt."_

Kurt's breathing stops and he picks up his head. The woods are now completely submerged in shadow. His eyes dart around the darkened trees but he sees that he's still alone. He lies his head back down and closes his eyes. _"Blaine."_

He feels the gentle caress of fingertips trailing down his back. The touch feels familiar and comforting to him and he relaxes.

_"Kurt."_

Kurt knows he isn't going crazy. He knows it's really Blaine with him. The messages were from him, it's his voice he's hearing and him touching him. Kurt smiles through his tears. He doesn't feel entirely alone. _"Blaine, I'm so sorry about what happened. I love you."_

The touch spreads down to his lower back and Kurt closes his eyes. Another hot tear trails down his pale face and plops to the ground._ "Do you forgive me?" _

And just like that the touch ceases. The feeling of Blaine with him evaporates and Kurt is left alone in the middle of the dark woods.


	7. Chapter Seven

[A/N: I will continue this I just won't be able to update for a month because of school.]

Kurt takes a deep breath and reaches for the doorknob. He plans on leaving without telling his father, afraid that if his father confronts him before he leaves his lie will unravel. He can't lie to his father's face again. The truth will slip out and there's a chance that his father won't let him go to the party. He'll lose his trust in Kurt, and Kurt can't let that happen.

He slips out the front door and into the warm summer evening and walks quickly down the sidewalk until his house is out of sight. The sun has already set and the streetlights glow above him. He walks with his head bowed and arms folded across his chest.

He spent the last hour and a half getting ready: showering, picking out something to wear, and doing his hair. Excitement motivated him to get ready and pushed him out the door, but now as he's walking to the party he feels nauseous. The only people he knows that are going to be there are Santana and Brittany. They'll probably want time to themselves without Kurt hovering around. They'll push him away and Kurt will be awkwardly alone, and if he's alone it will be easier for his enemy to attack.

He bites his lip as he enters the neighborhood the party is in and stops walking. He's about to head back. He could tell his father that Mercedes canceled on him without any explanation. He could spend the rest of the night in the safety of his bed listening to his favorite songs on repeat.

But he forces himself to keep walking. He doesn't want to spend another night alone in bed. He's now dreading this party, but he's going to go and try to have fun somehow.

Kurt heads up the driveway of his nemesis's house and hears music blasting through the siding. He walks up the front steps and knocks on the door. Of course no one hears him knock because of the deafening music, so he turns the doorknob and the door opens.

As soon as he sees what's inside he considers turning around and going home. Bodies are packed together like sardines and it smells like beer and smoke. Kurt pushes his way through the dimly lit living room, searching through the sea of heads for either Santana or Brittany. He gets knocked around and nearly loses his balance and people spit at him and curse him off. Kurt escapes into the kitchen where only a few people are crowding around snack bowls set out on the island and leaning against the kitchen counters drinking.

Kurt doesn't want to go back out there to search for Santana and Britt. He leans against the kitchen wall and stares at the wallpaper of his phone. It used to be a photo of him and Blaine, but he had to change it back to one of the default wallpapers. It would have caused too much pain to see that picture every time he looked at his phone. He didn't delete the photo though; he still has it saved on there along with all of the other photos that they took together.

He leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. _Keep it together. Don't think about him._

"What the _fuck_ are _you_ doing here?"

Kurt's eyes snap open and he feels his heart stop. He doesn't need to look because he knows who it is.

There's a harsh shove on his shoulder. _"Well!?" _

Kurt bites his lip and says softly, "I was invited."

"By who?" Tyler spits.

"Santana."

Tyler shoves Kurt again. "I want you out." The people who were gathered in the kitchen before are now beginning to form a circle around them. "Get the fuck out of my house."

Kurt feels his eyes begin to tear up. He feels the entire room staring at him. He shouldn't have come to this stupid party. This was a huge mistake.

Kurt pushes himself away from the wall and starts to make his way out. He shoves through the tangle of bodies and escapes through the front door into the warm summer night. He stops at the base of the steps and wipes his eyes, taking deep breaths to keep himself from crying.

He should have never gone.

"You leaving so soon?"

Kurt looks to his left to see a guy leaning against the side of the porch with a glowing cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He approaches Kurt, his eyes trailing up Kurt's body until they meet his eyes. He notices how glassy Kurt's eyes look in the moonlight and senses something 's wrong. "You all right?"

Kurt nods his head and turns away slightly. The guy puts his hand on Kurt shoulder and Kurt stops breathing for a moment and looks up at him.

"I know you're not okay." He gently wipes a tear tracking down Kurt's face away with his thumb. "You didn't have fun in there?" Kurt shakes his head. The guy takes a drag on his cigarette and turns his head so he can blow out a puff of smoke. "The guy hosting it is an asshole. The only reason I'm here is to give my little brother a ride. He just graduated from McKinley. I graduated from that place two years ago." He looks down at Kurt. "I'm guessing you just graduated too?"

Kurt nods his head.

The guy takes another drag. "Are you going to say anything? Or do you just want me to keep talking?" Kurt stares up at him. He has red hair and green eyes, not exactly his type, but he is good looking. The guy looks down at Kurt and a small hint of a smile turns up on the corner of his mouth. "How about you tell me your name."

"Kurt." His voice comes out soft and shaky. The guy smiles at Kurt's shyness and holds out his hand.

"My name's Ray." Kurt takes his hand. "It's nice to meet you, Kurt." Kurt nods his head and Ray frowns a little. "Why are you so sad, Kurt?"

Kurt bites his lip. "It's nothing."

"It's something. You don't cry over nothing."

Kurt sighs. "It's a lot of things."

"I know you don't know me, but I'm a good listener. Do you want to talk?"

Kurt looks up at him again. "The guy hosting the party. He hates me."

Ray takes a drag and looks across the street. "Then why did you go?"

"My friend invited me, but I didn't see her in there." He bites down harder on his lip. "I was kicked out."

"I'm sorry. It's probably a shitty party anyway. I bet we could have more fun out here." He looks down at Kurt. "Is that the only reason why you're upset?"

Kurt shakes his head and feels more tears spring to his eyes. Ray gently touches Kurt's arm. "Do you want to talk about it? We could go sit in my car. It'll be more private."

Kurt doesn't know this guy, but for some reason he feels comfortable with him. He needs someone to talk to, someone who will listen to him. But he's hesitant about going inside the car and doesn't follow Ray at first. Ray turns around and walks over to Kurt.

"What's wrong?"

"You're not going to drive, are you?"

Ray shakes his head. "No, we're just going to sit and talk." He gives Kurt a suspicious look. "Are you scared?"

Kurt shakes his head. "No, I'm okay. We can talk in your car." Ray grinds out his cigarette and they g walk down the sidewalk until they come to Ray's beaten up red sedan. Kurt gets in the passenger seat and the smell of smoke hits him hard in the face and he coughs. Ray realizes the smell is bothering Kurt and he rolls down the windows to let some fresh air in. He looks over at Kurt. "So what's upsetting you?"

Kurt bites his lip and takes a deep breath, about to let the horrible truth out. He hates saying it out loud and tries to refrain from it because it only makes Blaine's death more real. "My boyfriend died in a car accident at the beginning of the summer."

Ray is silent for a few moments, not knowing what to say to that. He probably didn't think it was something as big as that bothering Kurt. Ray links his fingers with Kurt's. "I'm so sorry." Kurt looks down at their linked hands and then out the window. "You don't have to tell me anything else. I know you must not want to talk about it. So that's why you were scared to get in my car?"

Kurt nods and he can't help it and begins to cry. Ray squeezes his hand tighter and leans in closer. "Hey, don't cry. I didn't know it was something that big." He looks at Kurt who still has his head pointed towards the window and he sees a tear rolls down Kurt's face. He reaches over and wipes it away with his finger and Kurt looks at him. "I'd offer you a ride home, but I have to stay here until the party's over. My mother's orders." Kurt looks down at their fingers linked together again. "You can stay here until it's done, and I can drive you home. Is that okay?"

Kurt shakes his head and wipes his eyes with his free hand. "I'm going to walk home, but I'll stay with you for a little."

"All right. If that's what you want." He looks over at Kurt and gives him a small smile. "You're really cute, Kurt."

If he wasn't so upset, Kurt would've smiled and blushed. He holds Ray's hand tighter as a response and cries harder.

"Hey, do you want to go in the back? It's more comfortable."

Kurt nods and climbs into the back seat. Ray follows behind him and sits in the middle close to him so that his hip rubs up against Kurt's. He gently touches Kurt's face with the back of his hand. "I don't want you to cry." He puts his hand on Kurt's knee. "How can I make you smile?"

Nothing will make him smile other than having his boyfriend back. He misses him so much that it's hurting. He can feel the physical pain inside him, growing worse each day that crawls by and Blaine isn't with him. It kills him when he realizes that he'll never be with Blaine again.

"It's okay, Kurt." Ray rubs his knee. "Don't cry, honey."

Kurt cries harder, his sobs loud enough to shake the entire car. Ray takes Kurt into his arms and lets him cry into his chest, running his hands up and down Kurt's back to try and comfort him. "It's okay, honey. It's okay."

Kurt cries until his eyes finally dry up and his throat aches. He lets Ray hold him until he falls silent. Ray keeps stroking Kurt's back and is relieved when Kurt quiets down.

"You feel better?" Kurt nods his head against Ray's chest. "Good." He kisses the top of Kurt's head and lets his hand trail all the way down Kurt's back. "You're really sweet, Kurt." He gently pulls away from Kurt and takes Kurt's chin in his hand, pointing his face up so that they're looking each other in the eyes. "Can I kiss you?"

Kurt's eyes widen and he nods his head. Ray gently presses his lips against Kurt's, kissing him lightly. He pulls away and smiles at Kurt. "How was that?"

Kurt stares back at him. "It was nice."

"Can I kiss you again?"

Kurt nods and Ray kisses him again, this time holding on longer, letting his tongue drag across Kurt's lips. He puts his hand on Kurt's thigh and moves it up his leg and Kurt places his hand on Ray's cheek, pulling him closer. When they break the kiss Kurt looks deep into Ray's eyes, partly illuminated by the moonlight. Ray continues to grope Kurt's leg.

"Did you like that?" Ray asks softly, nuzzling Kurt's cheek with his nose. Kurt nods and smiles. Ray reaches to unbutton Kurt's shirt but then stops and looks at him. "Can I?"

Kurt nods again and Ray unbuttons Kurt's shirt and slides it off his shoulders. He presses his palms against Kurt's bare chest and slides them down to his stomach. He brings his lips to Kurt's ear and whispers, _"You're really beautiful, Kurt." _

Kurt closes his eyes as Ray begins to kiss his neck, working his way down Kurt's throat to his collarbone. He lets his lips linger there, kissing the entire length of Kurt's collarbone, his hands slowly making their way south. Kurt feels Ray's hands tug on his pants, but he doesn't push him away. He pretends it's Blaine kissing him like he used to.

Ray starts to tug off Kurt's pants, but before he pulls them down his waist he looks up at Kurt. "Is this all right?"

Kurt nods, keeping his eyes closed, still pretending he's with Blaine and everything is okay.

Ray unlaces Kurt's boots and slides them off before shedding his pants. He gently nibbles on Kurt's ear and whispers, _"You're so beautiful." _Kurt smiles and lets out a soft sigh as Ray kisses down his body. Kurt runs his fingers through Ray's hair, pretending that he's running his fingers through Blaine's curls.

Ray pulls away from Kurt. "Sit up and face me." Kurt obeys and sits so that his back is pressed against the door, his legs on the seat. Ray kneels on the seat in front of him, pushing Kurt's legs open and pressing a kiss on the inside of Kurt's thigh. "Tell me what you want me to do."

Kurt feels his heart begin to race. "I don't know."

"Come on, honey." Ray presses another kiss just below Kurt's stomach. "There must be something you want."

Kurt closes his eyes. He wants Blaine. He can keep his eyes closed and pretend that this guy is Blaine as long as he wants, but when he opens them he'll have to face reality. Blaine is dead, and this guy can never be him.

"I want my boyfriend," Kurt cries.

Ray sighs and sits up. "Forget it." He hands Kurt his pants. "Get dressed."

Kurt wipes his eyes and takes them from him, struggling to get them on in the small car. "I'm sorry," he cries.

"Don't be. I'm really sorry about your boyfriend. If I could I'd bring him back for you."

Kurt buttons his pants and sniffs. "I know."

"I thought I could take your mind off it for a little, but I guess not."

Kurt begins to button up his shirt. "It's okay." He finishes dressing himself and then sits back in the seat. He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. He's never been naked in front of any guy other than Blaine until now. He feels terrible for what he just did, sort of feels as though he cheated on Blaine. But Blaine's dead. It's ether accept that and move on, or live the rest of his life utterly alone.

Ray looks over at Kurt. "When are you going to walk home?"

Kurt looks at his phone and sees that it's almost midnight. "I guess I'll leave now."

"Are you sure you want to walk home by yourself? I can give you a ride."

Kurt shakes his head. "No thank you. I—I can't ride in cars—after what happened."

Ray nods his head understandingly. "All right. Be safe walking home."

Kurt nods his head and opens the door and is able to get his one leg out before Ray says, "Wait." Kurt looks back at him. "Let me give you my number." Kurt hands him his phone and Ray puts his number in it and hands it back to Kurt. "I want you to call me soon. I'd also like to see you again too."

Kurt nods and a small smile spreads across his face. "Okay."

"Can I have one last kiss before you leave?"

Kurt nods and leans in to let Ray kiss him. It's a small, light peck on the lips but it's sweet and Kurt likes it. When Kurt pulls away Ray takes his hand. "Call me when you feel sad, okay? I don't care when it is. I'll talk to you."

"Thank you." Kurt gets out of the car and closes the door behind him. He folds his arms across his chest and walks down the sidewalk, stopping to look back at Ray's car.

He wants to see Kurt again. Kurt smiles to himself a little but it soon fades. He's not sure he can do this. He's not ready for another relationship, because he feels this guy might be striving for one with him. He can't get into another one yet. It's too soon. But he bites his lip and realizes why he really doesn't want one yet.

He can't let go of Blaine.

* * *

_Kurt took a deep breath before knocking on Blaine's front door. He folded his arms across his chest and felt his heart skip a beat when he heard the dead bolt slip off the door. Blaine opened the front door and smiled when he saw Kurt. "Hey."_

_Kurt hoped that Blaine couldn't hear how loud his heart was beating. It thumped hard against the inside of his chest and he feared that it might burst out of it._

_Blaine nudged the door wider. "Come in."_

_Kurt went in and Blaine closed the door behind him. It was nice and warm inside his house, unlike outside where it was bitter and cold. Kurt bit down on his lip and avoided Blaine's eye. Blaine noticed how nervous Kurt seemed._

_"Are you all right?"_

_Kurt looked up at him and nodded. "I'm fine."_

_But Blaine knew he was lying. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."_

_Kurt shook his head. "I want to do this." He smiled at Blaine to assure him. "I really do."_

_Blaine smiled back and held out his hand to Kurt. "Should we go up to my room now?"_

_Kurt nodded and took off his shoes before he took Blaine's hand. Blaine guided him upstairs to his room and he closed the door behind them. It was just him and Kurt, and he still couldn't believe what they were about to do. He was nervous, so nervous that he almost felt sick. But it was Kurt and he loved Kurt so much and felt completely comfortable with him. He was happy that Kurt would be his first._

_Blaine took Kurt's hands in his and leaned in to give him a soft kiss on the lips. When he pulled away he looked Kurt in the eyes and smiled. Kurt looked so tired. Blaine could see faded dark rims underneath both of Kurt's eyes. Blaine gently touched Kurt's face and felt how soft his skin was. "Are you okay?"_

_Kurt nodded and gave him a small smile. "I'm fine." Kurt stared back into Blaine's eyes. "Just a little tired."_

_"Do you want to go lie down?" Blaine gestured to his bed. The faster he got Kurt in his bed, the faster he'd be able to get him undressed and closer to doing it. But Kurt did look really tired, and Blaine respected that. He'd let Kurt rest for a few minutes and then ease into it._

_Kurt looked over at Blaine's bed and nodded. "I do. You don't mind?"_

_Blaine shook his head and wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist, pulling him into him. "I don't mind at all." He let his lips brush against Kurt's before he kissed him again. Kurt leaned into the kiss, his arms secured around Blaine's neck, his body pressed right up against Blaine's. Kurt smiled into the kiss and when they broke it he whispered, "I love you."_

_Blaine squeezed Kurt tighter. "I love you too." He pulled at the shirt Kurt was wearing and Kurt let him take it off him so that he was just in the t-shirt he was wearing underneath. Kurt did the same and took of the shirt Blaine was wearing so he was just in his undershirt before Blaine led him over to his bed._

_They lied down facing each other holding hands, staring into each other's eyes. Kurt gave Blaine a tired smile and Blaine smiled back as he ran his hand through Kurt's hair and Kurt closed his eyes. They stayed like that for a while until Blaine slipped his hand up the side of Kurt's shirt, running his fingers over his bare skin, looking at Kurt to take in his reaction._

_Kurt's eyes flashed open. Blaine's touch felt really good, but he was so nervous. He hadn't let Blaine touch him like that before. Sure, they made out, one on top of the other, hands beginning to wander, but Kurt would always stop himself, and he'd stop Blaine too. He'd always been nervous about going that far, but tonight he was going to do it, he as going to go all the way._

_Blaine was happy that Kurt was finally letting him touch him like that. He took advantage of it. He tugged up Kurt's shirt and pressed his palms flat against his chest and gently said, "You're so beautiful." Kurt smiled and did the same to Blaine, pulling up his shirt enough so that he could see his chest. Blaine whispered, "We'll take this as slow as you want, okay?" Kurt nodded and rested his head against Blaine's chest so he could hear his heart beating._

_Blaine slowly pulled off Kurt's shirt and did the same to himself. He pulled Kurt on top of him so that Kurt was straddling his hips. Kurt leaned in and kissed him gently, letting himself suck on Blaine's lower lip. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt and pulled him in so their bare chests touched. _

_They both really got into the kiss, deepening it and letting their tongues brush over each other. Blaine undid Kurt's jeans and Kurt didn't flinch. He let Blaine pull his jeans down past his waist and rub his palm against his underwear. Kurt moaned into his mouth and Blaine smiled. He let his other hand trail down Kurt's bare back, his finger tracing the curve of his spine. He broke away from the kiss and looked up into Kurt's eyes and said, "I need you naked."_

_He heard Kurt's breath hitch and Kurt breathed out, "Okay." Blaine pushed Kurt's underwear down his hips and tugged everything off. Kurt straddled Blaine again and Blaine gripped Kurt's bare hips, letting his eyes take in every inch of Kurt's body._

_"Oh god, Kurt," Blaine breathed, letting his hands slip down from Kurt's hips to his thighs. "You're gorgeous."_

_Kurt smiled and let his fingers slip underneath the waistband of Blaine's pants. He pulled them down and off of him so that he was completely naked too. Kurt ran his hands down the entire length of Blaine's body and leaned in to whisper, "You're beautiful."_

_Blaine smiled and pulled Kurt in for a deep, long kiss. He held Kurt tighter when he felt Kurt's hip push into the space between his thigh and crotch. He grabbed Kurt's butt and squeezed it, his nails digging into Kurt's skin. Blaine broke away from the kiss and began to kiss Kurt's throat, working his way down to his collarbone. "I need you so badly," Blaine said. Kurt looked into his eyes. "Are you ready?" _

_Kurt nodded and bit his lip. "Yeah."_

_"Do you know what to do first?"_

_Kurt took a deep breath and nodded again. "Yeah." He reached for the bottle of lube sitting on the nightstand. "I've done this to myself before." Kurt felt his cheeks flush after he admitted that._

_Blaine didn't say anything but he imagined Kurt lying on his own bed naked with his legs spread and his hand between them, pumping his fingers in and out of himself. He wondered if Kurt was thinking of him as he did it._

_Kurt opened the bottle and dipped his finger in and looked down at Blaine. He pushed Blaine's legs open and let his finger push inside him. He heard Blaine's breath hitch and he began to move his finger in and out of him. He soon added in another finger, and then a third and kept working them in and out of Blaine until he moaned, "I'm ready."_

_Kurt withdrew his fingers and reached for the condom. Blaine watched Kurt open it and roll it on himself. Kurt leaned in to give Blaine a light kiss, and when he pulled away he said softly, "I love you."_

_Blaine ran his fingers through Kurt's hair. "I love you too, baby." Kurt smiled when Blaine called him baby. He loved when he called him that._

_Kurt sat up and positioned himself just outside of Blaine. He gradually pushed inside him and stayed still for a few minutes, letting Blaine adjust around him. Blaine pulled Kurt in and nuzzled his nose into his neck. "I'm ready."_

_Kurt kissed Blaine's cheek and slowly began to rock his hips. He started out slow, getting used to the feeling of Blaine clenched around him, letting Blaine get used to the feeling of Kurt inside him. It felt so good and Kurt began to quicken his thrusts and leaned in to kiss him. He never felt this close to Blaine before and he absolutely loved it._

_When they were done they lied next to each other on their sides. They didn't say anything, they didn't need to. Just holding each other, staring into each other's eyes was enough. Blaine ran his thumb down Kurt's face, looking into his eyes, noticing again how dark the circles underneath them really were. He wondered why Kurt was so tired._

_Kurt couldn't tell him why he was so tired. Everyday that week, while walking alone in the school hallway, Tyler followed him and harassed him. Kurt lied in bed wide-awake every night, afraid to get up in the morning and go to school knowing it would happen again. Kurt didn't know what to do; he didn't know how to make it stop. He didn't want to tell Blaine because he didn't want him to worry about him. So he pretended that everything was fine. He was just tired._

_Kurt fell fast asleep in Blaine's arms. He felt safe in his arms. No one could hurt him when he was with Blaine._

_Blaine didn't fall asleep right away and held Kurt as he slept, running his hands down Kurt's skin, feeling Kurt's stomach rise and fall against his own. He held Kurt tight as he slept against him. He loved Kurt so much and was so happy that Kurt was his first. He hoped there would be many more times when they did this. He loved how amazing Kurt could make him feel._

_Eventually Blaine fell asleep too, curled up against Kurt's warm body, and they slept through the night together._


End file.
